A Strike of Lightning
by FollowingButterflies
Summary: A hunter meets a college student, both trying to hide who they really are. Ten years later they meet again, both running from who they are. Reaper Dean Winchester has been struggling through life ever since that night - the night that forced him to become who he is - but for Castiel Novak-Reeves coming back into his life changes everything. If only time and fate were on their side.
1. Prologue: Ab Initio – From The Beginning

**AN:** Apparently there was a formatting error which didn't show up originally, thank you to the person that pointed it out to me!

* * *

 _"If I was not myself_  
 _And you were someone else_  
 _I'd say so much to you_  
 _And I would tell the truth"_

 **Dead In The Water / Ellie Goulding**

A single car travelled down a lone, rain soaked, road. The icy rain that hammered against the car's windscreen had been torrential for several hours, ever since the two passengers had entered Massachusetts several hours before. Classic rock songs had been in the background as the two men passed through Hampshire and Worchester, the lashing storm never letting up as they travelled.

The soundtrack of classic rock and rain continued as they drove through Middlesex until the younger of the two men pulled a notebook out of the glove box while simultaneously lowering the volume of the radio. John Winchester, the elder of the two, shot his son a questioning look as Dean Winchester was not never a fan of quiet music.

"Headache" Dean said by way of explanation. "Where 'bouts are we headed anyways?" he asked between barely stifled yawns. The men had been driving for the better half of two days already and Dean had hardly slept in that time.

"Cambridge, about three miles out of Boston." John replied. "Something's been attacking people for nearly a month now and the local cops haven't been able to do shit all about it."

"So are we thinking animal, vegetable or mineral?" Dean asked and John Winchester fought against the urge to roll his eyes at his son. Dean might have been a damn good hunter but he still had that cocky, mocking wit that many nineteen year old boys possessed. He reminded John so much of his late wife Mary sometimes, what with his smile and caring nature. Other times John saw too much of himself in his eldest soon. He hoped it would be his downfall.

"Whatever it is killed a Harvard student last week. Ripped some poor girl in two almost." John said nodding down at the notebook in his son's lap where he'd written down several paragraphs on the attack. Days prior to driving towards Boston John had spoken of the attacks and, upon convincing Dean's younger brother to stay behind in South Dakota, had enlisted Dean's help in hunting down whatever it was that was attacking students. "She was with her friend at the time. The paper didn't release the friend's name but according to the police file-"

"Which we've got a hold of obviously." Dean quipped from the passenger seat. John's eyes narrowed. He disliked it when Dean made light of their business.

"Now isn't the time to act smart Dean. According to the police file the friend works with her at this coffee shop overrun with students. I want you to go there and see if this friend will talk to you." John explained. "Don't act like an asshole." John added as he gave his son a knowing glare.

"When have I…actually don't answer that." Dean said. He knew full well that John had probably catalogued all of Dean's 'asshole' moments. It probably filled half of the elder man's journal.

The deceased student, a girl who went by the name of Rachel Taylor, worked in a small coffee shop off the main strip of stores in Cambridge. It seemed less commercial than other coffee shops but still popular with students and residents alike. Many of the tables were full of people despite the lateness of the evening. Dean fussed with the cuffs of his shirt, adjusting it so he looked more professional. John always told him of the importance of aliases and disguises and while Dean understood this he still resenting wearing the, slightly too large, suit. It made him feel as though he were a small child playing dress up instead of a nineteen year old on the cusp of becoming a man.

"What can I get for you?" an overtly perky girl asked from behind the counter. Dean had to wonder how someone could be so cheerful so late into the evening. She must have been hyped up on caffeine.

"Hey there." Dean said as he reached the counter. "I'm Officer James Stark, I'm looking into the attacks around campus. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions."

"No, I can get you coffee and maybe a muffin but that's about it." The girl said suddenly losing all her perkiness. Her smile slipped and was swiftly replaced by a heavy looking frown.

"Excuse me?" Dean asked.

"I can get you coffee, maybe a muffin but I'm not answering any questions about Rachel no matter who you say you are." The girl said snippily. Dean blinked in surprise but pushed it aside and ordered a black coffee. Maybe if he tried again in a few minutes he'd be luckier. He'd probably have to flirt a little but that usually worked. The girl handed Dean his coffee, a frown still firmly set on her face, and took his change. Yeah, Dean was definitely going to have to try the flirting. Dean drank his coffee quickly as he looked around the room.

"Excuse me, did you say that you were investigating the recent attacks?" Dean was set with a cover story, one he had perfected with John while they travelled into Cambridge, but that was until he came face to face with a pair of inquisitive blue eyes partially hidden by thick framed glasses. The man, who looked no older than twenty, stared unabashedly up at Dean with a smallest of frowns on his face.

"Yes I am." Dean said slipping into that professionally cool mode he'd seen on his father for years during hunts. The man's frown deepened as he glanced over towards the counter. When Dean had walked into the store he had noticed two baristas busy working behind the counter. He had been meaning to talk to them before he'd been interrupted. Instead of looking over towards the counter Dean's focus remained on this man in front of him. The look of worry etched across the man's face was clear for anyone to see. It was impossible for Dean to not find it intriguing. "Do you happen to know anything?"

"That depends on who you are." The man said returning to look at Dean. "You're not a reporter are you?" the word 'reporter' was said with so much distain it was as if the word was poison.

"No, I'm not a reporter." Dean said hastily. "Officer Jim Stark" Dean added holding out a hand for the other man to take. John had told him to pick an inconspicuous alias and Dean assumed that many college students wouldn't spend their time watching movies from 1955.

"You look awfully young to be an officer." Was the man's response. Dean's pulse quickened at the man's scrutiny. Normally people accepted his aliases without question Dean could see that this man saw through it almost instantly.

"It's one of my first cases." Dean lied hoping this would satisfy the inquisitive man. His sharp blue eyes narrowed for a moment causing Dean's pulse to quicken with worry but then he leant back in his chair with a shrug.

"Fine, but if it turns out that you are a reporter I'm going to take great joy in making you suffer." The man said. He gave Dean a grin that contradicted with his statement. Without another word he fluidly rose from the table and walked towards the counter top leaving Dean alone at the table. While the man's back was turned Dean looked across the table hoping for something that could help him with this case.

The table was covered in pens, pencils, notebooks and textbooks. One of the notebooks was covered in elegant handwriting though Dean didn't have a chance to read anything before the man returned. Dean only had a chance to catch a name written on several of the notebooks before the other man had sat back down. Castiel Reeves. Castiel Reeves moved the notebooks out of the way after handing Dean a large mug of coffee as well as packets of sugar and creamer.

"If you're going to question me about my friend you might as well have a drink while doing it." He said by way of explanation.

"Did I interrupt a study session?" Dean asked nodding towards the textbooks. The other man nodded before throwing a few of the books into a messenger bag. Many people would have been sympathetic or offered their own stories of cram sessions but Dean felt nothing but jealousy. He had dropped out of high school so early in order to help John on hunts that he'd never really had the chance to stay up all night studying for a 'big test'. College and living in a dorm was never on the cards for him. While this Castiel Reeves' life would probably revolve around lectures, dorm parties and spending time with friends Dean's life would revolve around hunting down monsters Castiel didn't even know existed. That would be Dean's whole life, it was after all John's whole life, and he would probably never know anything different.

"Not really, I just enjoy studying." Castiel Reeves said shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. "Plus I get employee discount here which is a plus." He added nodding down at the drinks he had placed on the table.

"So…you knew the girl who died?" Dean asked figuring that it was best to get to the point. He wanted to prove to his father that he could do this job and do it well.

"Well you're quite to the point aren't you?" Castiel Reeves asked with a cocked eyebrow. "Yes I knew Rachel, we worked together and I was walking her back to her dorm that night." Castiel said. Bingo. This had to be the good friend. "When I told the cops what I saw they assumed I was drunk or high…probably both." He added bitterly. "They took my statement but I don't think they believed me at all."

"What do you mean? What did you see?" Dean asked forgetting about writing down Castiel's words to lean towards the man in interest. If the cops hadn't believed Castiel then it must have been something out of the ordinary.

"Don't just humour me, I lost my friend that night and hardly anyone would believe me. They still don't believe me." Castiel said sharply. "Rachel was a good friend of mine I done appreciate people prying into what happened, especailly when I get mocked for telling the truth."

"I wouldn't ask you what you saw if I was just humouring you." Dean said seriously as he fixed Castiel with a look. Castiel broke it just as he ducked into his bag. Dean assumed that the conversation was over, that Castiel would pick up his remaining things and leave but instead he placed a thick leather bound sketch pad in front of Dean, flicking through the pages until he stopped at a page in the middle of the pad.

"That's what I saw." Castiel said pointing to a sketch so realistic it looked almost photographic. Dean looked in awe at the sharp line art and complex shading that gave the sketch depth and life. As Dean took in the image a shiver went up his spine filling his whole body with a chill. It was as if his blood had been replaced by pure ice. Castiel's sketch was so realistic there was no denying what the creature was. "Does that help?" Castiel asked, his bright eyes swimming with a desperate look of hope.

"Yeah…yeah it does." Dean said distractedly. "This is a good sketch by the way, really good." He said before he took a large gulp of coffee hoping the hot liquid would warm his body. It did not.

"You know what it is, don't you?" Castiel asked and Dean couldn't help but nod. "It's fast, it had taken Rachel within seconds and…and it's strong. You must have seen the photos if you're working with the cops here." Castiel added. Dean shook his head, forgetting his cover story for just a split second but the damage was done. Castiel's eyes narrowed and his fists clenched. Dean had to react quickly before all his work was undone.

"I'm not a reporter, I can promise you that." Dean said hastily but Castiel's lips were fixed in a hard line.

"I'm not stupid, I knew you weren't an officer the moment you walked in here and honestly who picks such a stupid alias? It's one of the most famous characters from that generation of cinema, many people would pick up on it almost instantly." Castiel snapped.

"You've seen the film?"

"I'm a fan of James Dean's work." Castiel replied in a cold tone. "Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?"

"It's better off if you don't know that but I promise you that I am not a reporter." Dean said wanting to kick himself for how quickly this situation had turned. Castiel's face hardened even more so and Dean could tell that many people around them could sense the tension between the two men. "You saw the thing that killed your friend, imagine much worse things being out there and then you might understand why you're better off not knowing." Dean said lowering his voice.

"You could at least tell me your name before I have you removed from this place." Castiel said. "Or have someone pour boiling hot coffee on your crotch."

"Dean." Dean said quickly. "My name is Dean Winchester." He said with a sigh. Castiel's face softened by a fraction but Dean could still sense animosity.

"Thank you. I saw you looking at my notebooks so you know I'm Castiel Reeves." Castiel said. Dean had thought he had been so sly but clearly not. "You're line of work means you have to hide who you really are, doesn't it?" Castiel asked. A nod of his head was Dean's reply. "I get that…wanting to hide. Even before Rachel died…never mind." Castiel trailed off, shaking his head as he did so and Dean's heart went out to this stranger. Before Dean' had envious of the man's simple life but it seemed to be anything but. There was something deeply rooted in the man's brain than Dean empathised with.

"No I'm listening." Dean said leaning forward because he honestly was interested by this Castiel Reeves. John would chastised him for this but for that brief period of time Dean forgot about his father and did something for himself. Castiel Reeves was intriguing and Dean had always been inquisitive.

"My parents…you see, they're quite well known where I live so I guess I grew up wanting to hide who I was. I never knew if people were friends with me for me or for my parent's connections." Castiel said with a sigh. He took a liberal gulp of his coffee and sighed again.

"I work with my father, we travel around a lot solving cases, so I get the whole not wanting to be close to people." Dean admitted and Castiel's eyes lit up in interest.

"Really?" Castiel asked and Dean nodded his head ever so. Much to his surprise Castiel smiled at Dean, an actual smile not diluted by distrusting eyes. For the first time during their conversation Dean felt warm. He found himself smiling back before he even realised what he was doing.

Before Dean could say anything the crappy cell phone in his pocket buzzed. The buzzing jolted him out of whatever this was and Dean grappled around in his pocket until he found the small electronic device. John's name appeared on the screen but the buzzing stopped before Dean was able to answer. His father was going to be furious. The first rule of hunting was to always answer your phone.

"I'm sorry, I have to go." Dean said stowing the phone back in his pocket and looking over at Castiel. "Thank you for this, for showing me your drawings and telling me this stuff." Dean said and he meant that. Castiel's smile in return was bright and filled Dean with the warmth he knew he should bury deep down but he just couldn't. He didn't want to throw anyway such a brief glimmer of lightness in a life spent on dimly lit roads hunting down the things that went bump in the night. "This is my number, my actual number…if you want to ask me anything about the night your friend died then call me…I mean that."

"Thank you Dean." Castiel said. Dean found it hard to drag himself away from someone he felt a connection with but his father needed him. John and the job always came first. "See you around." Castiel added. Dean knew he would probably never see Castiel Reeves again but he could hope.

"Dean I think I've found it. I'm sending you the coordinates now. You need to meet me there." John's gruff voice said. Dean hung up and glanced down at the screen to see that John had indeed sent him coordinates. He grabbed the map he keep in his bag just in case and found that the location was only a minutes anyway, even less if he ran. Dean took off in a fast sprint hoping that John would be alright and nothing would happen to him in the time it took Dean to get there.

Dean got a clear shot of his father and opened his mouth to call out when blinding pain hit him from the side. A snarl ripped through the air before Dean cried out in agony. Far off he heard John calling for him but the pain was causing his vision to tunnel.

He became aware of someone gripping onto him, fingers curling into his skin and voice desperately pleading out into the darkness. The pain was becoming unbearable and Dean could hear a choking sound coming from far away. After several harrowing moments he realised the choking was coming from him. He tried to call out for his father, tried to apologise for failing him but no words would come out. There was nothing now but pain and darkness quickly threatening to drown him like a hurtling wave.

The last thing he heard before he drowned completely was his father telling Dean how sorry he was. Dean tried to reply, tell his father that wasn't his fault and that Dean just hadn't been quick enough, but the darkness consumed him and dragged him down into the deep.

With an excruciating gasp Dean's eyes ripped open. Where he was he did not know because he was no longer in the clearing where he'd been attacked. Instead of the clearing there was a sparse wasteland.

She was stood almost ten feet away. Her hair dark and skin pale. Her pretty pale face was an emotionless mask, her dark eyes never leaving Dean's broken body. She slowly made her way over towards Dean as he struggled to regain his breath.

None of this made sense. He should have been dead. He was supposed to be dead. A vicious creature had ripped him apart and he should have died but instead he was…wherever the hell he was.

"Dean Winchester." The woman said, her voice sweet and high. "I've heard a lot about you." She said. She crouched down next to Dean, her fingers gently touching his face. Dean jolted away from her touch and he was amazed to find he was able to move. His body was still broken but he was alive…or here… "You're famous. The son of a fabled hunter, swiftly becoming a renowned hunter yourself…and yet here you are."

"Yeah…you mind telling me where 'here' actually is? What is this, God's waiting room or some shit like that."

"No Dean, this is not God's waiting room." The woman said. "This is…well it's in between. It's a safe place for us to talk. My name is Tessa. I'm what people would call a reaper and, to put it bluntly, I'm here for you Dean."

"Come again?" Dean asked still utterly confused as to what the hell was going on.

"I'm here for you Dean Winchester." Tessa said.

"As in…what exactly?" Dean asked, completely lost as to wat was going on.

"I'm here for your soul Dean, I'm here for you." She pressed. Dean recoiled in horror as Tessa's words sunk in. This was it…he was…he was dead and stuck 'in between'. How could he have fucked up this badly? How could he leave Sam and his father?

"Shit…shit." Dean muttered more to himself. "Fuck!"

"I know this is hard-"

"You, whoever you are, don't know shit." Dean retorted. Tessa visibly bristled at his words. "Sorry but it's true. I'm…I'm nineteen years old for fuck sake! I haven't even lived yet…I'm not even old enough to drink! I can't be…I can't be dead." Dean babbled. True he'd been using a fake ID since he was sixteen but that wasn't the point. He was nineteen, he wasn't supposed to die. He wasn't supposed to leave Sammy.

"Dean there is a way…"

"No." Dean said quickly before Tessa could continue. He knew about demon deals from the books that filled Bobby's house back in South Dakota. John had always warned him against them as well.

"Dean-"

"Stay the hell away from me." Dean said shuffling away from Tessa as quickly as his broken body would allow him to.

"I was like you, scared and convinced it wasn't my time." Tessa said. "I was young and in hospital for a routine appendectomy. It went wrong and now here I am. If you agree to this, to this life, then it can save you."

"I don't make deals with demons." Dean snarled. Tessa's eyes narrowed and the air around her rippled with anger.

"I am not a demon!" She hissed angrily. "Reapers are not creatures of Lucifer's creation! I don't ask for your soul, I don't ask for your life! All I ask is that you do a job. You do this job for ten years then you're free. Ten years of helping souls find their way and then you are done. You'll be free."

"I have a hard time believing that." Dean said sceptically.

"I give you my word Dean. I swear on my soul." Tessa said. Dean opened his mouth to make a scathing remark but Tessa held up hand to silence him. "Yes, before you say it, I still have my soul. We're not bleak creatures who feel nothing. We live, we breathe and we do our job."

"If I agree to this then you're telling me I can go back...I can go back to my dad and my brother." Dean said frowning slightly.

"Yes. You will have to keep up your end of the agreement, ten years of delivering souls when it is their time, but yes, you will be able to be with your brother and father." Tessa said. Dean wanted to believe her more for Sammy's sake than his own. "To make you trust me I'll give you one more thing."

"What's that?" Dean asked.

"A name." Tessa said. "We reapers may not work for Lucifer but we hear things, of souls taken before their time when deals are made under illicit and devious pretences. Your mother...she was taken too soon and I know the name of the demon who took her."

"Don't...don't use my mother." Dean said warningly.

"I promise you Dean that I'm not. The demon's name was Azazel. He's a yellow eyes demon. You go back, tell your father and kill him." Tessa said almost casually. "Now do you trust me?"

"Azazel?" Dean questioned. Tessa nodded. There were so many voices telling him that this wasn't a good idea at all but it was Dean's only choice. He couldn't leave Sammy or his dad alone, not after Mary had been taken from them. "Ok...ok I'll do it. I agree."

The first soul was the lightest of lavenders in colour. Glimmering beneath pale skin like sunlight. Her name was Marianne and she shook the entire time Dean stumbled over explaining what had happened to her. Barely twenty three years old had she been driving to her nearby florist to oversee flowers for her upcoming wedding when a truck came out of nowhere and hit her. Purple lilies she kept telling Dean. Purple lilies to match the detailing for her handmade dress she had made from scratch. The lilies would never be picked up and the dress never worn. It wasn't until Marianne was gone that Dean noticed the slow creep of darkness working its way under his skin not unlike smoke slinking across water.

It was then that he realised the powers that had saved him would also be his uncontrollable downfall.


	2. Part One: 3591 Days Gone By

_"Let's start at the end_  
 _Becoming strangers once again_  
 _Or maybe that's all we ever were"_

 **Irrelevant / Lauren Aquilina**

*D*

"Dean?" a grounded voice said from the driver's seat. From where he was sat in the passenger seat Dean glanced over towards his younger brother and let out a tired sigh.

It was all just a memory…

"Yeah sorry…I was just thinking I guess." Dean said looking back out the window of the passenger side. The car was the same, the music was even the same but everything else had altered over time. The cocky nineteen year old with his life ahead of him no longer sat in the passenger seat with the belief that there was so much wonder and mystery in the world or that there were so many lives that would be changed by him saving them. The father he looked up so fiercely and protected so loyally no longer drove, his low baritone chiming in over the crackling radio – static fighting against classic rock, and the hopeful teen that had sat back in a small house in South Dakota with a life of promise ahead of him now had many of his dreams on standby and an elder brother he could barely recognise.

Yes the bass filled music crackling over the car's ancient speakers was the same but everything had been warped beyond recognition.

"You could try sle-sorry" Sam Winchester muttered looking away from Dean with a worried expression marring his face.

"No…no it's fine Sam." Dean said hating how had Sam danced around him ever since that night nearly ten years ago. That was just one of the reasons why they rarely spent time together anymore. While Dean had been determined to not let things alter over time he couldn't stop the distance that had settled between the two brothers over time. Still, Dean revelled in the moments he spent with Sam even if they were just moments spent in the car they had both grown up in. "Honestly Sam, just carry on driving." Dean said when he saw Sam cast another worried look. "I'm fine. I was just thinking about someon- something."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Sam asked.

"Do I ever want to talk about it?" Dean shot back with a raised eyebrow.

"Fair point. Just as long as you're sure." Sam said. He settled back in his seat with one arm slung out the window as the highway sped by. Sam turned up the radio, clearly trying to appease Dean as he normally hated the classic rock stations Dean preferred, and tried to keep the conversation as light as possible.

Dean wouldn't have been able to get through the past ten years if it hadn't been for his brother even if there was that distance between them. Sam had been there for Dean after that night in Boston and after John's death several years prior. He had stood by Dean through every little bump in the road. Even in the darkest times Sam's faith in his brother never wavered and Dean loved him for it. He glanced over towards his brother when he was sure that Sam wasn't looking at him and simply marvelled in how Sam had grown up without half of the harrowing guilt or grief Dean felt weighed him down. It was moments when Sam was completely relaxed, or as relaxed as Sam could be, that Dean saw his brother soul shine so honestly.

Of all the souls he'd witnessed Dean never tired of his brothers. The deep golden hue that shone under Sam's skin like dappled sunlight always burnt with such strength but such humility. While Dean would shy away from looking at other's souls he would never stop watching his brother's. As long as it stayed that pure gold Dean thought his brother was completely safe.

Sensing that familiar pull in his gut Dean quickly turned to Sam with a desperate look. "Sam" he said hating how reedy his voice sounded. Sam looked over quickly with that damn concerned look. "Sam pull over." Dean pressed.

"What…yeah sure." Sam said pulling over onto the nearest dusty patch of highway. Dean all but leapt out the car and tried to stop the nauseous feeling in his stomach as he gasped for air. He hated the feeling that overcame him whenever he was called or Tessa was nearby. He was bent over, resting his hands on his knees as he tried to regain his breath, when Tessa appeared right in front of him.

"You would think that after all this time you would get used to being called." Tessa said as she folded her arms across her chest. She actually looked vaguely bored by Dean's reaction.

"Yeah well you caught me off guard." Dean said defensively as he straightened up. "I was with my brother." He said by way of explanation.

"Sweet." Tessa commented in a tone that made it clear she didn't care. "I have a name for you." She added.

"Straight to business like always." Dean muttered. Tessa rolled her eyes and handed Dean a neat piece of paper.

Looking downwards at the neatly scripted name Dean's chest tightened painfully. A long since used name but it saturated his senses with smell of a coffee shop, thick artist paper, Rebel Without A Cause quotes and the perpetual sense of freedom. It was almost ironically funny seeing as how Dean had only just been thinking about that rain soaked evening nearly ten years before.

Castiel Novak-Reeves

"His soul is tired Dean, it's old beyond his body so he will go willingly I presume. Or least as willingly as the rest. You never know with people. You'll need to get to Long Island, that's where his family home is, as soon as you can. Don't drive." Tessa said sagely and Dean fought against the urge to vomit. From the frown on Tessa's face she clearly noticed that something was wrong. "Dean? Dean what's the matter?" Tessa asked sounding concerned for what was probably the first time since Dean had met her.

"I…I know him, well I met him…a long time ago." Dean knew he was speaking but he really wasn't aware of what he was saying. It couldn't have been a coincidence that he'd been thinking about that night back in Boston.

"This isn't going to be a problem is it Dean?" Tessa asked narrowing her eyes with suspicion.

"No. No, there won't be a problem. I guess I don't really know him…we met once that's all." Dean said hastily trying to desperately ignore the sinking feeling he could feel in his stomach. The dark, smoke like, soul that simmered under his skin rippled almost angrily and Dean was sure that Tessa noticed it. Her eyes narrowed so Dean swiftly made sure the look on his face what that of steel-like resolve. "There's won't be any problems at all." Dean said with determination. Tessa nodded her head and seemed reassured with Dean's answer. She bid him a short goodbye before leaving him.

Her parting words were sharp and short. "Make sure you look presentable." Dean bristled at her words, he always made sure he looked 'the part' when he had to guide a soul even it had now made him hate wearing suits.

Sam was leaning against the hood of the car when Dean slowly walked back towards his brother. Sam never asked Dean about his work as a reaper. He had asked once many years before and Dean had refused to talk about it, after that Sam dropped the topic but Dean knew his younger brother was still curious about the whole thing.

"Is everything ok?" Sam asked.

"Yeah…yeah…I have to get to Long Island. Take the car back to South Dakota and I'll see you in a few days." Dean explained.

"Are you sure?" Sam asked sceptically. Dean wasn't known for willingly letting people, even Sam, drive his car unless he had to.

"Sammy I'm sure. I mean it, I'll see you in a few days." Dean said. He gave his brother a quick hug and bid his goodbyes before watching Sam drive off. Dean missed driving from place to place on hunts but time was of the essence here so instead of driving he found other ways of travelling to Long Island.

*C*

He wasn't sure what exactly had woken him up but Castiel Novak-Reeves jolted awake, his breath rapidly rising and falling as he looked around his bedroom. There was nothing and no one there of course, he had long since grown out of 'monsters under the bed' theories but it was strange, it was almost as if he'd felt a presence, a…something in his room just before he had fully woken.

Glancing over towards the clock on his bedside table Castiel groaned loudly. It hadn't even gone five in the morning yet. He knew there would be no use trying to return to sleep because it wouldn't happen. Instead he climbed out of bed and rummaged in his wardrobe until he found the item he was looking for, his old Harvard hooded jersey. It was well worn but Castiel still loved it and wore from time to time when he felt the need. Accepting that he really wouldn't return to sleep he decided to go downstairs instead of sitting around in his bedroom waiting for sleep that would not appear.

The cavernous kitchen was bathed in bright, silver moonlight that desaturated all the colour room the room. Navigating easily around a kitchen he'd spent so much time in over the years Castiel went over to the pantry and picked out a jar of peanut butter from the very top shelf, it was only there because of him though the time when he could no longer reach the top shelf was long gone. From the bread bin he grabbed a loaf of bread that had been freshly made that day then set about making himself a peanut butter sandwich. When he was a boy his mother used complain bitterly about them but for Castiel they meant comfort. His father used to make them for him when he was feeling unwell or sad so now Castiel associated the simple sandwich with happiness. He made himself a cup of milky tea to accompany the sandwich and settled down at the breakfast bar. It was strange, after all breakfast was always served in the dining room but it reminded Castiel of the years he studied in Boston. Breakfast was always grabbed in a hurry before going to classes and never served on silver platters. He used to occasionally sit in the cramped kitchen back in Boston and drink coffee with housemates, talking about their days or complaining bitterly about their professors. It made Castiel sadly sentimental.

He had been thinking about Boston and his time spent there quite a lot recently, especially after his father's death six weeks prior. Many thought that was why Castiel wasn't sleeping as it had started the day Charles Novak had passed but something told Castiel it was something more. Maybe it was because it reminded him about how he found it hard sleeping after Rachel was killed.

For a moment a pair of understanding green eyes flashed through Castiel's brain as he sipped on his tea. Strange, he hadn't thought about the man he'd met that evening in the coffee shop in a long time.

Castiel sat for a long while sipping on his tea and pulling bits of his sandwich off to pop into his mouth. Once he was halfway through his first sandwich Castiel heard someone coming into the kitchen. He glanced over his shoulder, hoping that it wasn't his mother, and felt relieved when he saw his twin brother Jimmy settling down in a seat opposite him.

"Couldn't sleep?" Jimmy asked nodding at the half eaten peanut butter sandwich.

"It's not going to sleep that's the problem, it's staying asleep." Castiel explained with a yawn.

"This has been going on for six weeks now, ever since dad's funeral. I think you should really talk to someone." Jimmy's concern was clear to anyone who might have heard him. "They could probably help you get a decent night's sleep for once."

"Talk to someone? As in a quack who will charge $500 an hour to say that it's all to do with my father or a repressed childhood memory?" Castiel quipped. "I'd rather not."

"You shouldn't knock them, it helped Amelia after her grandmother's death." Jimmy remarked but Castiel simply shrugged. The thought of telling some stranger all his problems was not something Castiel was willing to do. He would rather sit through endless board meetings than that.

"If I say I'll think about it will you stop complaining?" Castiel asked. Jimmy shrugged, and slow smile spreading across his face. "That's reassuring…speaking of reassuring, shouldn't I be the one trying to make you feel better? After all the party is tonight."

"Castiel unlike you I don't fear parties." Jimmy said, his smile becoming wider. "Especially not my own engagement party."

"Even ones organised by our mother?" Castiel asked cocking an eyebrow.

Before his brother could make another remark the bell for the main door rang through the kitchen. At that early time in the morning there could be a handful of reasons for the bell ringing but none of which interested Castiel enough to leave his food or his cup of tea. It was Jimmy who left the warmth of the kitchen, leaving Castiel alone for a minute until he returned.

"What was it?" Castiel asked as he finished off his cup of tea. Jimmy held up the bundle of papers and dropped them onto the breakfast bar. "Don't do the crossword, she will have a fit if you do." Castiel remarked. Their mother, Naomi Novak-Reeves found far too much joy in doing the crossword puzzle over breakfast and if Jimmy got to it first it would put their mother into an awful mood for the rest of the day. She had actually ignored him for two days when he did The New York Times Sunday crossword. It was completely childish but both Castiel and Jimmy found it strangely endearing.

"Have you seen this?" Jimmy asked placing the Boston Post in front of Castiel. Despite living on Long Island Castiel still read the papers from Boston, he liked keeping up with the news regarding the city he'd grown so fond of when he was younger. Jimmy was pointing towards a small article on the second page titled:

Animal Attacks Continue on Campus

Castiel's blood ran cold as he read over the article. All the details were the same. An animal, though Castiel knew it was merely no animal, had attacked several students on and off campus and it had resulted in two deaths already. Police were stumped and Castiel couldn't stop the slew of memories that bombarded his brain. He kept seeing Rachel's face the moment before the nameless creature attacked her. He screwed his eyes shut to stop the image of Rachel moments before she died attacking his brain.

"Castiel...are you ok?" Jimmy asked nervously. Castiel looked back at his brother, his own features mirrored apart from the minute scar on Jimmy's chin from when he was seven years old and face planted the pavement after falling off his skateboard, and nodded even though he felt anything but fine.

There was no time to dwell on the contents of the article though. He needed to start getting ready for work. He needed to carry on and go about his day like nothing was wrong. That was how it had been for the past six weeks ever since his father had died. Charles Novak had been sixty four and seemed perfectly healthy. A heart attack that came out of nowhere changed all that. Castiel found it hard to think about. Jimmy was lucky as he had his fiancé Amelia to help keep his mind of things but all Castiel had was work and the notion of taking over his father's business looming over him.

"Castiel those dark circles under your eyes are getting worse." Naomi said as soon as she walked into the large dining room later that morning. She stopped to place a kiss on Castiel's head before doing the same to Jimmy. Many people might have thought that Naomi Novak-Reeves was a cold woman but that wasn't true. Yes she was sharp and brash at times but she still loved people with a fierce intensity and would do anything for her family.

"Good morning to you too mother." Castiel grumbled from his seat at the head of the table. He'd been watching his cornflakes slowly expand in their milk and his mother's arrival disrupted that important task. He was still full from his early morning snack but if he didn't eat breakfast, or at least pretend to, then his mother would nag him until he left for work then she'd probably end up calling him throughout the morning.

"And you'll have terrible posture by the time you're thirty if you continue to slouch like that honey." Naomi Novak-Reeves said, her own posture perfect like always. Castiel wasn't sure how she did it but Naomi managed to make her staying at home clothes, a sweater and pair of loose slacks, look like a perfectly tailored suit. She just had that presence about her.

"Yes and I'd like to remind you that I will be turning thirty next year." Castiel said.

"Is it wrong to be concerned about my firstborn son?" Naomi asked raising her perfectly arched eyebrows but the smile she gave Castiel was a fond one.

"By seven minutes if that." Jimmy muttered.

"I think it's sweet." Amelia said from her seat next to Jimmy. Castile shot her a look that told her this was clearly not the time for her to try and suck up to Naomi Novak-Reeves. Amelia had been engaged to Jimmy for six months and had been living in the Novak-Reeves estate for nearly that long. It was clear she was still trying to get Naomi to like her.

"You think it's sweet because your parents live in Florida and you see them twice a year." Jimmy said by way of stopping Castiel from saying something more cutting to Amelia. Amelia's parents were both retired and lived in a retirement complex in the south of Florida. Amelia received emails every month containing photos of two heavily tanned elderly people who seemed to do nothing but deepen their tans, play shuffleboard and drink iced tea.

"Speaking of your parents Amelia." Naomi Novak-Reeves said as she sat down and unfolded the paper in order to start on the crossword. "The town car is meeting them from the airport and bringing here to the estate. They should have enough time to freshen up and change before the party this evening."

"Honestly Naomi, they said they're fine with getting a taxi up here." Amelia said, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. Amelia had grown up without a lot of money and Castiel knew she still found it odd being part of a family where money wasn't an issue. Things like town cars, first class plane tickets and engagement parties held in the Novak-Reeves mansion were still things that unnerved her.

"Nonsense, it makes more sense having a car pick them up than some awful taxi cab. It's all arranged Amelia dear so don't fret."

"Still…thank you for planning the party…you really didn't have to." Amelia said still blushing.

"Nonsense, it's the least I could do." Naomi said, a pen in hand ready to attack the crossword. Naomi didn't believe in doing the crossword in pencil. You either got the right answer or you didn't. It was as simple as that.

"What Amelia's trying to say is that we would have been just as happy with a small meal outside on the beach." Jimmy said.

"No Jimmy dear, you just wanted to do something that didn't require you to wear a tie." Naomi said raising her eyes away from the crossword to give her second born son a stern look. Castiel tried to stifle a chuckle because she probably had a point there.

"I'm going to go and get dressed." Jimmy grumbled as he rose out his seat. He stopped to give Amelia a quick kiss on the cheek before skulking out the room. Naomi rolled her eyes as he left but then her attention went right back to her crossword.

"I'm taking the helicopter into the city, I have a meeting at the office before the party this evening. Do you want to grab a lift with me?" Castiel asked Amelia. "It would save you time trying to cross the bridges." For a moment he thought she would say no and claim that she could just get a taxi instead but Amelia nodded and half an hour later she was meeting Castiel on the helipad after saying goodbye to Jimmy.

"Jimmy told me to give you this." Amelia called over the noise of the approaching helicopter as she handed Castiel a travel mug. "He said you would need it as you didn't get much sleep last night."

"Thanks." Castiel called back with a small smile. He took a cautious sip and was met with the rich flavour of strong hazelnut coffee. He took another sip while the helicopter landed on the helipad. He followed Amelia as she hurried towards the helicopter and opened the door before she could reach for the handle. Amelia rolled her eyes but smiled anyway. Naomi and their father had been sticklers for Castiel and Jimmy being raised with manners and respect.

"Thank you." Amelia called over the sound of the helicopter. The two climbed aboard and settled into their seats.

"Are you excited about tonight?" Castiel asked. Amelia shrugged her slim shoulders as she gazed out the window, watching the Novak-Reeves estate slowly shrink as they gained height. "I'm sure that's the reaction my mother is hoping for seeing how she's been planning the party for weeks." Planning the engagement party had kept Naomi's mind off her husband death. It had been good for her.

"Honestly I'm more nervous than excited. Jimmy and I would have been just as happy with a small family meal but your mother was convinced on having a huge party. I swear most of the people she's invited are her friends."

"Or people she's trying to impress." Castiel interjected. "I know my mother."

"She's an amazing but frightening woman." Amelia said with a small laugh. "So…have you found someone to bring with you?"

"Bring with me where?" Castiel asked.

"Honestly Castiel! To the party tonight!" Amelia laughed. Castiel grimaced. He wasn't aware that he even needed to bring someone but now that he thought about it he should have known that Amelia, and probably his mother, would expect him to have a date. "You haven't got a date have you?" Amelia asked. Castiel shook his head. "What are we going to do with you Castiel?" Amelia added with another laugh.

"Well we can't all be lucky and find the loves of our lives like you and Jimmy." Castiel said before taking a sip of his coffee.

"I don't know if it was luck or fate." Amelia said. Castiel snorted. "Oh shut up and don't be an asshole. I really do believe it was fate that brought me and Jimmy together that day. As silly as it sounds I just fell head over heels for him. It didn't make sense, it certainly didn't make sense for him to feel the same way, but it happened and here we are. You never know Castiel, it could happen to you." Amelia said, her smile warm and encouraging.

Once again green eyes flashed in Castiel's mind and the nineteen year old man posing as a police officer came back into Castiel's mind for the second time that day. Had it happened that night? A chance encounter between two people that could have become more? Had Castiel let it slip by all those years ago when he had let the man leave and not call?

"There's a really cute personal assistant at work who I think you'd get along with." Amelia said getting that look in her eyes. Castiel rolled his eyes because Amelia had tried setting him up before and it had never worked. His life revolved around work. He didn't have time for dating.

"Amelia you've tried this before and it hasn't worked."

"But you'd like him! He's funny and almost as sarcastic as you."

"Is that even possible?" Castiel asked with a smirk. "At least you've stopped trying to set me up with your female friends." That had been an awkward conversation. Amelia had tried to arrange a date between Castiel and one of her friends. Jimmy had almost died of laughter when he explained that when it came to the Novak-Reeves twins, only one could be classed as a zero on the Kinsey scale. While Amelia had stopped trying to set Castiel up with her friends she hadn't stopped trying to set him up.

"I hope you realise your mother is going to make several comments over you not having a date for the evening." Amelia said almost smugly. "I'm looking forward to seeing her face."

"Well at least you're looking forward to one thing about tonight."

"Well two things, your mother is having Magnolia Bakery provide the desserts. I'm skipping lunch so I don't feel guilty for eating my weight in cupcakes." Amelia said. "Honestly Jimmy and I really would have been happy with just a small family meal, not this massive…"

"Parade of proof that my mother has too much time on her hands?" Castiel offered.

"Well yes…it's probably her way of coping though. If she is coping that is."

"Amelia if there is one thing that Naomi Novak-Reeves knows how to do it is cope with whatever life throws at her."

"She might still scare me but I'm in awe of your mother." Amelia said almost gushingly. Castiel couldn't help but roll his eyes. "Oh shush, I just want her to like me."

"She letting Jimmy marry you, I think that proves that you've passed her test." Castiel admitted bluntly. If Naomi had hated Amelia then there was no way they'd even being having an engagement let alone an engagement party. Amelia rolled her eyes and Castiel's remark and soon the conversation about the party and dates was dropped.

"All I'm saying…" Amelia said when they were a few minutes away from the Novak-Reeves building. "Is that you're turning thirty next year and, as far as I can see, you haven't really lived since you came back from Boston."

"Thanks Amelia." Castiel said derisively.

"I'm just saying! Go out there and…I don't know…levitate."

"Levitate?"

"Find something or someone that makes you feel like you could levitate off the ground."

"Do you feel that way about Jimmy?" Castiel couldn't help but ask.

"Every day since I met him…and I'm not just saying that because you're his brother either. I really mean it." Amelia said and Castiel didn't doubt what she was saying for a single moment.

Minutes later the helicopter landed on top of the Novak-Reeves building, an elaborated building dating back to 1890 that was located in Lower Manhattan. Amelia's work was only a few minutes' walk away so she hurried out the helicopter as soon as it landed. She gave Castiel a wave as she raced across the helipad.

"I'll see you tonight Castiel!" she called.

"I'll be there with bells on." Castiel called back. He heard Amelia gave a loud laugh before she disappeared.

Several cups of coffee later and Castiel found himself sat in a board meeting he wasn't really paying any attention to. If anything he was more interested in the view outside the window. Through the duration of the meeting the sky outside had changed from one barely littered with clouds to one full of black rainclouds. The rain started only minutes later. Castiel watched as the rain steadily came down, soaking the streets down below.

He wondered about the people caught in the sudden downpour of rain. There would be so many different kinds of people all brought together by their sense of desperation over either finding that elusive umbrella they could have sworn they'd brought with them or discovering a nearby coffee shop to shelter in. Business men, shoppers, tourists and people simply walking for the sake of walking would all be hurrying through the rain soaked streets in search of somewhere dry. Castiel wasn't sure why but it made him sad that he wasn't down there, he honestly would have rather been running through the rain than sat in a dry board room pretending to listen to a dull conversation while he drank yet another cup of coffee.

"-on board Mr Novak-Reeves?" a female voice said jarring Castiel away from his thoughts. Well that and the nudge his assistant Hannah gave him.

"Excuse me?" Castiel asked pulling his focus from the window and back to the table full of people.

"I asked if you were on board with the ideas we've been putting forward." A woman from the PR department said.

"Yes of course, go ahead." Castiel said even though he had no idea what he was even agreeing to. His lack of sleep was making him irritated and the fact that it was Jimmy and Amelia's engagement party was later that day was making things worse. "If there aren't any other things were need to discuss then I'll be in my office." Castiel said fully aware that he was probably being rude but he could barely concentrate. No one said anything, they wouldn't even if there was anything else that needed to be discussed to be honest, so Castiel bid his farewells and promptly exited the board room.

Once inside his office Castiel let out a loud sigh as he almost threw his body into his office chair. He couldn't concentrate on anything recently and it was only getting worse. He only hoped that it got better before he officially took control of his father's business or he was going to be in trouble.

*D*

Dean had only even seen houses this grand in films. It was hard to think that someone could actually live in a place like it. Dean was suddenly very aware of how little he knew about Castiel Reeves…well Novak-Reeves. As far as Dean was concerned he had just been another college student who wished he could pursue art instead of business. Looking at the grand estate in front of him made Dean realise that Castel must have come from money, old money by the looks of the house, and his business degree had to been to do with a family business.

Huh Dean thought I guess we had one thing in common.

Unlocking his phone Dean scrolled down the limited contacts until he reached his brother's name. Normally he kept Sam out of his business but he needed more information.

"Hey, what's up?" Sam asked as soon as he picked up the phone.

"I need you to do me a favour. Are you anywhere near your laptop?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, I haven't long since gotten home. What do you need?" Sam asked.

"I need you to look up a name for me. It's Novak-Reeves." Dean said waiting as he listened to Sam start to type away, either unlocking his laptop or bringing up his search engine.

"Novak-Reeves?" Sam asked.

"Yeah. Two 'e's, not 'a' then 'e'." Dean clarified.

"Yeah I know, I was just wondering how you haven't heard of them before." Sam said as he typed away. "They're the owners of the biggest publishing company in America. They own a ton of magazines and even a few book houses. I think half the books that Jess reads are published by them. I'm sure I've got a couple of books published by them as well."

"So they practically shit out money and rule the book world?" Dean asked feeling a wave of fear rush over him and yet he wasn't sure why. Sam snorted on the other end of the phone.

"Bluntly put like always Dean but, well, yeah." Sam said. "Why are you asking? What's this to do with?"

"You're better off not knowing right now Sam, sorry man." Dean said hating that he was pushing his brother but this was all for Sam's safety really. Once the whole metaphorical rope around Dean's neck was gone he could try and live a normal life but for now he just had to do his job and keep Sam out of any harm. "Sorry man…I'll call as soon as I can." Dean added hastily.

"Ok…yeah we'll talk soon."

"Say hi to Jess, Bobby and the others for me." Dean added. Though Sam stayed away from the hunting world Bobby, Ellen Harvelle and her daughter Jo were still active. Bobby was the best person to talk to if you needed any supernatural related questions answered while Ellen and Jo were two of the best hunters Dean had ever met. True he hadn't seen them in a while, revisiting his old hunting life was always painful for Dean, but he still cared deeply about the ragtag group of people he thought of as family. He knew Ellen was one more missed phone call away from cursing Dean but he couldn't help it.

"I will do…good luck." Sam said before they said their goodbyes and Dean quickly hung up the phone.

Thinking back to that night in Boston Dean remembered Castiel's words.

"My parents…you see, they're quite well known where I live so I guess I grew up wanting to hide who I was." It seemed too easy to hide away in a house…damn…a mansion that size.

At once Dean was bombarded with curiosity over the man that had become Castiel Novak-Reeves. There had been times over the past years when he thought about that aspiring artist he'd met in a coffee stop on a rain soaked night. Had he pursued his love for art and gone places? Was he single? Married with kids? These had been things Dean had wondered occasionally before pushing those thoughts to the back of his mind. Now newer questions sprung to Dean's mind.

How long had Castiel stayed in Boston before moving back to Long Island?

Was he living with family? Or was he alone?

Was he even happy?

What had caused his soul to become tired?

Dean realised that he would soon find this out even if he wasn't too sure that he wanted to know the answers to his questions.

*C*

"Trust mother to invite members of the board to my damn engagement party." Jimmy grumbled several hours later as he and Castiel stood off to the side of the ballroom that Naomi had decked out for the engagement party. Both Castiel and Jimmy were of the agreement that staying out of the way was the easiest thing to do.

"Trust her to go completely overboard." Castiel intoned as he looked around the room. The ballroom of the Novak-Reeves was one of those rooms that Castiel always viewed as completely unnecessary despite what both his parents told him when he was growing up. The room mainly housed memories of parties thrown by his parents that Castiel had reluctantly gone to. When they were younger he and Jimmy would steal a tray of desserts and escape as quickly as they could without their parents noticing.

Tonight the ballroom had been transformed into a sophisticated looking room festooned with silver decorations. Waiters and waitresses floated around the room holding trays of delicate canapés or overpriced champagne. A large banner hung across the furthest wall spelling out 'Congratulations James and Amelia' in beautiful calligraphy. Fresh flowers were situated in every corner as well as on the tables, many of which were groaning under mountains of food. When Naomi Novak-Reeves planned a party she didn't do it by half.

"Someone please help me restrain my parents from the bar." Amelia said as she appeared at Jimmy's side. "And me from the cupcake tower." She added before taking Jimmy's hand and leaning against his shoulder. Both of them looked so happy and at ease with one another, it made Castiel happy to know his brother had found someone he loved.

"The cookies and cream ones are damn good." Jimmy said. He would know seeing as he'd eaten three when he'd crept into the kitchen earlier on. Castiel had caught him red handed…well frosting covered handed.

"Oh don't tell me that. If I even go near one my mother will start on about not fitting into my wedding dress despite the fact that I skipped breakfast and lunch." Amelia said with a groan. "Plus this dress is far too fancy for me to get frosting down it." Amelia added nodding down at the sleek silver gown Naomi had picked out for her.

"It is possible to eat a cupcake without getting frosting down yourself you know." Castiel felt like he had to point that out.

"For you maybe." Amelia said. "But for us mere mortals it's not that easy." She added. Castiel understood her dilemma, he'd grown up being the twin who could never eat pizza for fear of getting pizza sauce down whatever he was wearing. Rachel and his other friends always used to tease him about back in Boston.

Soon talk changed from that of cupcakes to business once Castiel, Jimmy and Amelia were joined by several members of the board. Jimmy easily slipped into the conversation and seemed to understand what Zachariah and the other members were talking about which was disconcerting for Castiel. He had been in those board meetings and yet he could barely follow the conversation. He really needed to stop zoning out at meetings if he was ever going to run his father's company successfully.

Zachariah, who had been his father's right hand man, was mid-way through a conversation about the most recent budget meeting, Amelia looked almost as bored as Castiel felt, when Castiel was tapped on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, Mr Novak-Reeves?" a member of wait staff said looking incredibly nervous over interrupting Castiel's conversation. "There was a gentleman asking for you but he didn't have an invitation to the party. I told him he could wait for you in the library if he wanted to." She added. She was a pretty girl and Castiel knew that if his personal life was different the Amelia would have been trying to fix the pair of them up.

"Did he tell you his name?" Castiel asked as he wondered who on earth would want to speak right now. Everyone who worked for Castiel's father, well technically now it was Castiel, were at the party thanks to Naomi.

"No I'm afraid he didn't. Did I do the right thing?" the girl asked still sounding nervous.

"Yes you did the right thing." Castiel said quick to reassure the young girl. "Please don't worry. I'll be right there." Castiel added giving the girl a quick smile before he turned back to Zachariah and the rest of the board. "My apologies gentleman, I'll be back in a few minutes."

"You'll most likely find us by the dessert table." Zachariah said giving Castiel a smile that didn't really meet his eyes. Castiel knew what the board were all thinking, that Castiel was too young to be taking over his father's company and that it would have been better in someone else's hands. They were all thinking it but Castiel knew that out of respect towards his father none of the men on the board would say a thing to his face.

Castiel nodded his head towards the board member and made his way towards the library. When he walked into the room he expected to see someone waiting for him but instead he was met with an empty room.

The cold chill Castiel had been feeling down his neck all day, all week actually, returned with surprising force once he stepped into the library. Out of all the rooms in the Novak-Reeves' large estate the library was where Castiel felt at home, it was where he felt safe and yet now he had the strange feeling he was being watched. Castiel looked around the library but it seemed empty apart from Castiel himself. Still…the feeling someone was watching him still remained.

"Hello?" he called out into the dim, the only light coming from a small antique lamp in the corner. "Hello is there anyone in here?" he called out feeling incredibly stupid to be calling out into a seemingly empty room.

That really depends by your definition of 'anyone'

"Excuse me?" Castiel asked spinning around to locate the voice. His hands reached out for the light switch and after several moments of grappling around the library became bathed in the familiar warm glow Castiel had grown up with. Castiel was met with the rows of books he'd read over and over again, the plump wingback chairs Naomi spent hours picking out and the walnut wood table nearly groaning under stacks of books but there was no one else in the room. It must have been his late night before; it was doing something to his brain and convincing him that he could hear something.

Well if that is what you want to believe.

"Excuse me? Who is in here?" He called out looking around wildly for the source of the voice and yet still only being met with the empty room.

Like I said that all depends.

"It all depends on what exactly?" Castiel asked feeling stupid for calling out into a seemingly empty room.

It all depends on what you want to believe in.

"I don't…I don't understand." Castiel stammered still feeling foolish.

Not many people do understand at first but slowly the truth dawns on them. It's shit but that's just how it goes in the end. There's nothing that can be done.

"I still don't understand. Who are you? Show yourself."

I will…and to answer your question I'm the one answering that other little question, the one that's been niggling in your brain over the past few days.

"Oh and what question would that be?"

It is that small question when you're out running and something doesn't feel quite right, you can't put your finger on it but the feeling is still there. That feeling you get when you wake up in the middle of the night and find it impossible to get back to sleep.

"What the…have you been spying on me? Who the hell are you?" Castiel snapped as he looked around the room trying to find the source of the voice. There was a sickening thought in the back of Castiel's brain that made him think that he recognised the voice but it wasn't one he'd heard in many years.

I haven't been spying on you, I just happen to know these things.

"That doesn't answer my question. Who are you?" Castiel pointed out starting to become irritated.

You keep asking that question and yet you think that you recognise my voice.

"How did you…who are you? Where are you?" Castiel called out. He looked around the room once again for a source of the voice, jolting when he saw his own reflection in the ornate mirror hanging above the fireplace. He noticed how pale he'd become since walking into the room, dark circles under his eyes stood out. Maybe this was all down to a lack of sleep.

Yes, maybe this is all a figment of your imagination Castiel or maybe it's not.

"For God's sake this isn't funny! Just tell me where you are and who the hell you are."

Are you shouting at me?

The voice didn't sound offended, angry or even mocking. It sounded surprised, as if no one ever spoke to it like that. As if no one raised their voices to it in fear or outrage.

"Just answer me for Christ's sake, who are you?" He called out. Another cold chill ran down his spine as he felt a presence within the room, almost as if the air had become heavier. Looking around yet again Castiel tried to shake off the heavy feeling until he heard footsteps from coming from between two large bookcases.

It's a long story, a story I really don't to talk about right now because this meeting isn't for me. This meeting is for you Castiel.

"I…I…I don't-" Castiel began to say but his speech faltered when he noticed the figure moving from out the gloom cast by the towering bookcases. Everything told him to turn away and leave the library but fear rooted Castiel to the spot.

The man moved slowly with a strange sort of grace that Castiel didn't think a man could possess. The black suit he wore was immaculately cut and looked just as expensive as the beautifully cut suits Castiel himself owned and which were housed upstairs in his room. Yet this suit looked nothing like anything worn by someone on earth. It hugged the man's frame in the same way suits hugged male models. Castiel's eyes travelled from the suit up to the man's face and, with a sickening jolt to his stomach, he stopped and gasped. The memory of a warm coffee shop and bitter black coffee came flooding back. The years had passed them obviously but he could still see that same handsome nineteen year old he'd thought about for so many weeks after their meeting.

"You…" he stuttered out. "I've met you before…a long time ago…Dean?" Castiel asked as the name came back to him. The mention of the name caused Dean, Dean Winchester if Castiel recalled correctly, to stop abruptly.

"You remember my name?" the man asked narrowing his eyes slightly in concentration. "I didn't expect for you to remember me at all." He added almost sadly.

"You were very memorable." Castiel said honestly. If Jimmy, or God forbid Amelia, had been there to hear that remark then taunts about flirting would have flown through the air but really Castiel was being honest. Meeting Dean had left an impression on him, one that he hadn't been able to shake off for some time after. "What…what are you doing here?" Castiel asked. After all Dean's line of work, at least the work Castiel remembered he did with his father, wouldn't bring him to the Novak-Reeves manor. Unless something was wrong.

"It's not an easy thing to explain." Dean said cagily. "It takes some time for a few people. It will answer your question though."

"And which damn question is that Dean?" Castiel snapped.

"Dude I've let you shout at me twice now, I'm not gonna let you do it the third time." Dean said finally sounding annoyed by Castiel's raised voice.

"Why not exactly?" Castiel retorted arching his eyebrows. "You walk into my house in the middle of my brother's engagement party and throw these riddles in my face expecting me to understand what it is that you are talking about when I have no idea what so ever. I want you to tell me what the hell is going on."

"Last week while running you stumbled. You felt something in your chest that didn't sit quite right with you but you passed it off as just not sleeping for long enough the night before. Yesterday you zoned out for nearly ten minutes while you were talking to your soon to be sister in law Amelia and you had no recollection of the conversation you had with her. Just last night you woke up in a cold sweat after only an hour or so of sleep, your heart racing and yet you didn't know why." Dean said in rapid fire as if the words spilling from his mouth were pure poison.

"Have…have you been spying on me? Is that why you're here?" Castiel gasped and rage burnt through his chest when Dean actually laughed.

"I wish that was all it was, I really do. Fuck…I wish that this whole thing was that easy but it's not. You fell, you zoned out, you found it impossible to sleep and this keeps happening." Dean said once he stopped laughing. "All these things have happened to you and you're not sure why but you still ask the same thing each time. Well the answer to your question is yes, yes Castiel."

"What question?" Castiel repeated for what felt the hundredth time.

"The question you asked to yourself at two in the morning the other night. The question you asked yourself at five o'clock this morning." Dean said.

"The question…the…" Castiel started to say as the cold realisation dawned upon him. "The question. 'Is there something wrong?' That's what you're referring to is it not?"

"Yeah…yeah and I'm sorry." Dean said as his face broke, eyes turning sad and full of sorrowful regret. "Fuck…I always say I'm sorry but this time…this time I am sorry, truly sorry because it's not right. It's not right at all. I mean, you're like twenty nine…it's fucked up."

"'Yeah'? What do you mean by 'yeah' Dean? You're sorry? Sorry for what? How many more questions am I going to have to ask?"

"Yeah there is something wrong, at least that's what I've been told but- no, that's what I've been told. There is something wrong and I'm sorry because I have to come here for you."

"Come here for me?" Castiel asked raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah…fuck man. I'm here for you." Dean pressed looking increasingly more annoyed.

"Dean-"

"I'm here for you, don't you get it?" Dean yelled, his voice echoing of the walls and sending shivers through Castiel's whole body. "I am here for youCastiel Novak-Reeves. Here for you. It's unfair and shitty but I am here for you."

Castiel fought against the urge to lash out, to yell that it wasn't his time or to even hit Dean. It instead he sunk into the nearest chair and rested his head in his hands. This couldn't be happening, it just couldn't. He had so much to live for when he really thought about it. There was the company and the CEO position that would be his, his mother who would crash and burn without his presence and then there was his brother. Jimmy had been his best friend all his life and Castiel wanted nothing more than to see his brother happy. He would be married to Amelia by the end of the year and Castiel had dreamed of being there.

No that seemed impossible.

"This can't...I'm not even ill. I can't...this makes no sense."

"It never does." The way Dean said those words made Castiel think he'd said them before, many times before. He whipped his head back up to look at Dean, to really look at him. All those years ago in the small coffee shop back in Boston Castiel had been intrigued, almost enamoured, by the mysterious man calling himself Officer James Stark who told Castiel that he believed him about Rachel's death, that there were things out there that were beyond what most people would find completely normal. The man Castiel had thought about calling so many times but he never plucked up the courage.

The man who stood before him now was different. Harder, like his life had been broken over and over again.

"You…how dare you" Castiel stammered out as he glared over at Dean. "How goddamn fucking dare you!" His voice growing louder. "You come into my house during my brother's engagement party and give the worst news anyone could ever hear. You say you're sorry but you have no idea how this feels. You have no idea how it feels to have someone tell you that you're…that you're going to die!"

"Castiel…man…I am sorry. I am so sorry…if I could delay this-"

"Could…no forget it."

"Could I, could I delay all this bullshit and give you time? Is that what you were going to ask?" Dean asked. Castiel stared back, unable to ask. "Could I slam the brakes down on this?" Dean asked but he was no longer looking at Castiel, it seemed as though he was talking more to himself than to Castiel. "Fuck…could I? It's never been done before…" he practically whispered, Castiel had to strain to hear him. "Your soul is tired…weak…that's what they say anyway but if I could…fuck." Dean "If I can give you time then I will."

"Why?" Castiel asked. "Why would you do this for me and not anyone else?"

"I don't know." Dean said and Castiel could hear in his voice that he wasn't lying.

Castiel walked back to the party in a daze, his head swimming and his vision blurred. He was vaguely aware that Dean Winchester was at his side still in the immaculate suit but if the other man was trying to say something Castiel wouldn't have been remotely responsive. The two men walked into the ballroom, Dean letting out a low whistle, and Castiel instantly caught Amelia's eye.

"Castiel? Are you ok?" Amelia said as she placed a hand on Castiel's arm. "You look really pale. Are you alright?" She didn't notice Dean stood next to Castiel until she looked away from Castiel's face and seemed to realise there was someone with Castiel. Before she could say anything Jimmy waltzed up to them with a smile spread across his face until he saw Castiel's expression.

"God, are you alright Castiel?" he asked before he spotted Dean. "Who's your friend?" he asked looking Dean up and down.

"Oh…this…this is Dean Winchester. I…I knew him back when I was living in Boston." Castiel lied. Jimmy's eyes narrowed for a moment before he held out his hand for Dean to shake. "Dean this is my brother Jimmy and his fiancé Amelia."

"It's good to meet you." Dean said.

"Were you a Harvard man like Castiel here?" He asked Dean politely as the two men shook hands. At first Castiel thought Dean wasn't going to speak but a moment later he heard the distinctive rough voice.

"No, I swung through Boston all the time though." Dean lied smoothly.

"He came into the coffee shop all the time." Castiel elaborated. "He's in the area for a few days so I invited him to spend some time here in the house. The party completely slipped my mind." He was amazed he was even able to speak let alone come up with a, hopefully convincing, story as to why Dean was here.

"You say that like it's the first time it's happened." Amelia said with a light sounding laugh. Castiel should have felt guilty but Amelia's laughter lessened that feeling.

"I'm sorry I'm interrupting your party." Dean said making it sound as though he had merely disturbed the party with a trivial matter instead of something that was anything but. A flash of rage surged through Castiel but he couldn't do anything about it of course, he was stood in the middle of his brother's engagement party for God's sake.

"Oh no it's fine, please don't apologise." Amelia said quickly. "Can I get you something to drink…Dean wasn't it?" she then asked because Amelia was too polite and had no idea who or what she was talking to. Before Dean could give Amelia an excuse Amelia took him by the arm and guided him towards the extravagant bar Naomi had ordered in. Once they were gone Jimmy gave his brother the strangest look Castiel knew he was capable of.

"Dean? Wasn't there a guy called Dean? Some kind of officer that talked to you after Rachel died?" He asked and Castiel was amazed Jimmy had remembered that. Castiel had only mentioned it once when he'd gotten slightly drunk and started reminiscing about Boston. "Is everything alright Castiel?" Jimmy then asked.

"Yeah…yeah I'm fine." Castiel lied even though he knew his twin could tell he was blatantly lying. "Honestly Jimmy." Castiel pressed. "I'm fine, you how what I'm like at these sorts of things though."

"Even my engagement party?"

"Please, you would have preferred a family meal followed by a movie washed down with cheap beer." Castiel said and his tone was harsher than he intended it to be. Jimmy's eyebrows shot up in surprise and Castiel instantly felt guilty. "Sorry…I just have things on my mind." Wasn't that the truth?

"I know taking over the company has been weighing on your mind but you've got to just calm down and take some time out of thinking about it. Dad " Jimmy advised. "Maybe you should go on a vacation or something…" he added and Castiel had to bite back a scathing laugh. He would soon be leaving but Jimmy couldn't know the circumstances of that at all.

Amelia returned with two drinks in her hands but there was no Dean Winchester at her side. Castiel scanned the room but couldn't see the man anywhere.

"Where's Dean?"

"Oh he had to step outside for a moment to make a phone call." Amelia said waving towards the terrace. "He seems nice. There you were this morning telling me that you didn't have a date!"

"I really haven't Amelia, it's not like that." Castiel said knowing full well there was no way Amelia could ever know the truth. How could he explained that instead of Dean being just some guy that Castiel knew back in college he was a mysterious entity who had come back into Castiel's life with the worst news anyone could hear.

"I'm sorry-"

"There's no reason to apologise Amelia, I promise you." Castiel said giving his future sister-in-law a reassuring smile. Almost as if she had a radar for these things Naomi Novak-Reeves appeared out of nowhere, her carefully manicured hand holding onto a frosted martini glass like it was a life raft.

"Castiel darling." Naomi said. "There are several people here wishing to have words with you, they all did business with your father and it would be gracious of you to speak with them." Naomi said already beginning to guide Castiel towards a group of well-dressed men near the bar. Castiel looked back towards his brother and Amelia but the two of them had already been swept up by well-wishers.

*D*

Dean could barely breathe as he was ripped from the grand estate to an almost deserted field. He saw Tessa's figure instantly and could just feelthe rage rolling off her body. Her soul flashed in bursts against her skin like lightning, angry red lightning.

"What did you do?" Tessa gasped. She grabbed a hold of Dean and dragged him towards her so she could glare squarely up at him. "Dean what did you do?" she pressed angrily.

"I gave him time"

"You gave him time? You have no right to do that! Who are you to say when it's someone's time to go?" Tessa hissed.

"You told me that his soul was weak, that it was tired but I haven't seen a soul that bright in years Tessa. It's not tired or weak!" Dean snapped back freeing himself from Tessa's vicelike grip. "I'm not about to take someone when it isn't their time."

"It's not your decision Dean!"

"It's not yours either!"

"And how much time did you give him Dean?" Tessa asked narrowing her eyes with menace. In all the years he'd dealt with Tessa, Dean had never seen her this enrage. "How much time did you give him?"

"I…I didn't say." Dean admitted. Tessa slowly raked her eyes over Dean's whole being, eyes narrowing as she looked deeply into his soul. For several moments she was silent and Dean's heart hammered against his chest. He had never defied Tessa like this, he'd never had a reason to, and the ramifications could be harrowing.

"You have three days Dean. Three days to prove that Castiel Novak-Reeves' soul is worth saving." Tessa said finally.

"Three days? That's not-"

"And, for you little act of rebellion time can be added for you too." Tessa said as she swiftly interrupted Dean. He stood and stared at her in horror hoping that she was joking but there was nothing written on her face that could have been akin to humour or jest.

"No…no you can't do that."

"I think you'll find that I can Dean."

"Tessa you can't do that. I don't have that long left." Dean gasped out in horror. He only had a few months if that left. He was already dreaming off moving to South Dakota to be near Sam, Bobby and the others. He wasn't sure he could go through all this for another six months.

"I'll think you'll find that I can do this. Six more months Dean, that's the price for this little act of rebellion." Tessa said. "You think that we can do this job without having to make sacrifices? We make nothing but sacrifices so don't even pretend that you are the first one of us to feel doubt or hurt from doing what it is that we do." Tessa snapped making herself seem taller despite her height difference against Dean.

"Tessa-"

"No Dean just go. We've been through this for long enough and I respect you too much to say anything else. Just go while I try to sort out this mess." Tessa said and before Dean could say another word Tessa was gone.

When Dean returned to the Novak-Reeves estate he could hardly stop his hands from shaking. Six more months. Six more months of having to guide people over and tell them it would all be ok when Dean knew that to be complete bullshit.

Castiel was in the centre of the room talking to several people while his twin brother stood with the woman Castiel had introduced as Amelia. Dean was right in the end, he was right to try and buy Castiel time to prove his soul wasn't tired. He had a family that would mourn over him and Dean couldn't stand the thought of another family mourning because of something he'd done.

As if Castiel could hear Dean's thoughts he turned where he stood and looked around the ballroom until he spotted Dean.

"Dean this is my mother, Naomi Novak-Reeves." Castiel said nodding towards a statuesque red haired woman in an elegantly sweeping dress. "Mother this is Dean Winchester, we knew each other when I lived in Boston."

"Winchester? Of the Massachusetts based Winchesters?" Naomi asked raising an eyebrow.

"Oh no…I was born in Kansas and pretty much bummed around the states when I was growing. We never stayed in places for long…until I spent time in Boston and Cambridge that is." Dean said quickly adding the latter part when he remembered the cover story.

"Well it's nice to meet you anyway. I never met any of Castiel's friends from Harvard which is a shame."

"I didn't-"

"Dean's in the area for a few days and seeing as we have the room I offered him a place to stay. It save son a hotel and we can catch up. It's been a long time since I saw him." Castiel said. Damn the guy should have gone into acting instead of business because Dean was convinced that Castiel actually looked happy about all this.

"Of course, I'll have the staff make up one of the guest rooms for you…Dean was it?"

"Yes…"

"Lovely. Oh my, is that Harold and Betty Fisher-Brown?" Naomi Novak-Reeves said spotting an elderly couple across the room. "Please excuse me, it's better to talk to Harold before he's found the scotch." She added before she made a hurried exit.

"So…that was your mother?"

"Yes, that was here. On her best behaviour I might add."

"Does everyone here have doubled barrelled names?" Dean asked. On arriving he'd met three people all with double or even triple barrelled names.

"Most of them do it because it seems like the 'right thing'. Ours is doubled barrelled purely because my mother didn't want to give up her name of Reeves when she married my father.

"And you just stuck with Reeves in Boston because it was easier?" Dean guessed.

"I liked the anonymity." Castiel said bluntly. "It was easier being a 'Reeves' than a 'Novak'." Castiel added.

"No offence but this placed is fucked up." Dean said unable to contain himself. The ballroom, the fancy people…damn even the wait staff made him feel uncomfortable. No wonder Castiel escaped to Boston.

"I'm impressed." A female voice said from behind Dean. Both he and Castiel turned around to see Amelia stood there. "It took me at least six months of dating Jimmy before I realised how crazy his family is."

"Thank you for that Amelia." Castiel said in a heavily sarcastic voice. Amelia rolled her eyes at Castiel's tone and placed a hand on his arm.

"You didn't count, you were out in Boston being a hermit." Amelia said. "Honestly, I'd been dating Jimmy for over a year before I even met Castiel. Shock of my life when I did meet him, I mean I knew they twins but not almost completely identical. Back then they were easier to tell apart though. Castiel had this whole 'struggling artist' look going on."

"I remember." Dean said and his voice sounded a lot fonder than he meant it to sound. Castiel looked over with a look of surprise but didn't say anything.

"Where's Jimmy?" Castiel asked in what Dean thought was probably an attempt to change the subject.

"Attacking the buffet table. He saw mini hamburgers and there was no stopping him." Amelia said with an affectionate roll of her eyes.

"Good man." Dean said.

"You say that but you're not going to be the one who is kept awake half the night by him completely of stomach ache after he's even twice his body weight in meat." Amelia said rolling her eyes. Dena felt a tug of something when he realised that Amelia's smile when she talked about Jimmy was just Jess' when she talked about Sam. There was something sad about it. There seemed to be so much love surrounding Castiel, though maybe not from his somewhat cold looking mother, and yet Tessa was still convinced his soul was tired. "I best go and stop him before he finds those tiny but incredibly rich chocolate torte slices." Amelia said giving Dean and Castiel a bright smile.

Once she was gone Castiel sighed loudly and turned towards the open doors leading outside. Not wanting to be left on his own in the huge ballroom Dean quickly followed. The grounds outside were just as large and grand as the house inside. The wide garden backed onto the large lake and Dean could even see a small walkway leading towards the lake. He couldn't imagine eve growing up in a place like this.

"God…how are they ever going to understand this?" he heard Castiel say. Dean remained silent in case Castiel was simply talking to himself and didn't want Dean's input.

"I feel like shit-"

"Good because you should." Castiel snapped. "Sorry…actually no I'm not sorry I snapped. Did you really does expect me to go 'Oh ok, take my soul' and I'd skip off to Heaven or wherever I'd end up?"

"No I didn't, if you didn't put up a fight I wouldn't be in the position I'm in now."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You've got time…well I've got time to prove you don't deserve this." Dean said. Castiel's head whipped round as he looked at Dean with surprise. His soul rippled under his skin with expectancy. There was a sense of hope in his eyes that Dean despaired of because in his line of work hope was for the weak and naïve.

"How long?"

"Three days." Dean said and he watched sadly as the hope left Castiel's eyes. The rippling of his soul slowed until it was barely even noticeable.

"Three days? How on earth do you expect to prove I deserve to live in just three days?" Castiel asked and honestly Dean wasn't sure how to answer. Castiel's face paled. "You don't know do you? Have you ever done it before? Proved that someone deserves to live?"

"No I haven't but I've never had to take the soul of someone I knew before." Dean retorted.

"Dean I have to ask, were you like this when we met? Was this the business you couldn't tell me about?" Castiel asked.

"No it wasn't." Dean shot back quickly because he didn't want to taint the moment they first met in Boston with reaper talk. "I wasn't this way when we met. I don't like talking about it though."

"We're going to talk about it though, you owe me that much." Castiel said sounding serious.

"I do and I will but not now."

"But-"

"Don't forget who you're talking to here Castiel." Dean said hating how his voice hardened but it was needed. He couldn't talk about his life before or after, not at this moment anyway but he did owe it to Castiel to talk about it. "Look this is your brother's party, you should just celebrate with him while I try to think about what we can do." Dean said with a sigh.

"I can show you to the guest room if you want." Castiel said turning on his heels without hearing Dean's answer. Dean had no choice but to follow him.

Castiel led him through the house and up an elaborate staircase before coming to the first or what looked like many guest rooms. He let Dean into the room and big him a good night in a hasty voice. Dean couldn't blame him at all, if their roles were reversed he wouldn't even had let Castiel stay. If anything he probably would have beaten the guy senseless. Dean was still expecting Castiel to do the same actually.

The guest room was larger than any of the crappy motel rooms Dean crashed in when out on the road. In fact it was probably the largest and nicest rooms Dean would ever sleep in. Once he was able to sleep again that was.

The decor was like the rest of the house; classic and clean in a way that screamed wealth. A bookshelf was full of titles ranging from classics to recent releases Dean had seen his read and on a desk there sat a huge Mac that lit up with life when Dean wiggled the cursor. Knowing he would sleep anytime soon, anytime in the next six months at least, Dean sat down on the plush beige chair in front of the desk and got to work.

Google was a useful tool and it told him everything about the Novak-Reeves family that Sam hadn't mentioned. There was family history, history of the company and even an engagement announcement for James Nathaniel Novak-Reeves and Amelia Katherine Parker with a photo of the two of them smiling happily. There was countless articles on Castiel's father and his recent death and even articles about Naomi's humanitarian work. Castiel, on the other hand, was still a mystery. The only article about him was small, it was more of an announcement for him taking over the company after his father's death.

He attempted to research for several more hours, not coming up with anything new, before Dean gave up and starting leafing through the bookshelf. The company Castiel was inheriting was dedicated to the publishing of books so it made sense for the room to be full of books. He skimmed through a few of the titles as he listened to the party downstairs dwindle to nothing. In the early hours of the morning he was vaguely aware of people walking down the hallway and Dean assumed it must have been either Castiel or his family. They seemed like good people even if they had been given things to them on a silver platter because of their money and Dean was going to try his hardest to keep the family together by saving Castiel even if he didn't have a clue how he was going to actually do that.

*C*

The morning came slowly and after a night of restless tossing turning Castiel dragged himself to the guest room that had been set up for Dean. He knocked on the door waiting for Dean to let him in. This might have been his house but Castiel still knew the meaning of privacy. Dean opened the door moments later and looked surprised to see Castiel stood there in a shirt and tan pants.

"Breakfast is being served in the dining room soon. I wasn't sure if you would want to join us or not." Castiel said trying to keep his voice as normal as possible. The shock of seeing Dean the night before still hadn't worn off completely and now Castiel was feeling a slew of mixed emotions regarding the man stood in front of him.

"Um yeah…sure…" Dean said in his low voice as he came out the room and stood in front of Castiel. Instead of the suit he'd been in the night before Dean was now in dark jeans, black t-shirt and a shirt. He looked so much more like the man Castiel had met years before. The two of them walked down to the dining room in silence but Castiel didn't expect anything else seeing as his brain was too busy trying to come to terms with the events of the evening before.

In the dining room Naomi, Jimmy and Amelia were all sat in their regular seats though all three of them seemed to be in various states of sleepiness or meat related hangovers by the look on Jimmy's face.

"Morning." Amelia said in her normal cheerful tone even if she did sound slightly tired.

"Morning, how did you sleep?" Castiel asked smirking at Jimmy's queasy looking face.

"Don't ask. I told him not to have that last burger but did he listen to me?" Amelia said.

"I'm going to guess that he didn't."

"He can hear you." Jimmy groaned from his seat.

"Shush and just drink your tea." Amelia said. Jimmy sighed and went back to drinking what smelt like peppermint tea.

"Was the guest room to your liking?" Naomi asked Dean as she looked over his jeans and worn shirt.

"What? Oh yeah…" Dean mumbled as he sat down and reached for the coffee pot. "It was great…thanks for letting me crash."

"It's not a problem at all." Naomi said though Castiel could tell that the cogs in his mother's brain were working overtime as she took Dean in. She watched him intently as he drank his coffee while Amelia talked animatedly about the engagement party and how much her parents enjoyed themselves.

"Where are they?" Castiel asked noticing that they weren't at the table.

"Still asleep, they like to sleep in on Saturday no matter where they are." Amelia said rolling her eyes affectionately.

"I don't blame them." Jimmy groaned.

"Jimmy dear, you hav no one to blame your current state on but yourself." Naomi said between sips of her tea. "Oh Castiel, the helicopter is five minutes out Castiel." She added as she daintily placed her tea cup onto the table. She gave Dean yet another look over and Castiel was almost certain what was going through his mother's mind but he wasn't in the mood to challenge her. In fact when it came to the battle against his mother Castiel had lost most of his fight.

"Thank you mother." Castiel said placing his own coffee mug onto the table and motioning for Dean to follow him. Castiel watched as Dean pulled himself up out of his seat, Naomi still watching intently, and followed after Castiel towards the helipad.

"You work on Saturdays?"

"Not always but I'm taking over the family company. That was the plan anyway." Castiel said and he watched as a guilty look overcame Dean's face.

Amelia was on a later shift and Jimmy was busy so it was only Dean and Castiel flying into the city.

Castiel watched intently as Dean positioned his body in one of the helicopter's seats. His posture was straight but it looked calculated as if he was determined to keep up an appearance. His hands gripped onto the armrests, knuckles white and veins apparent. Castiel was tempted to ask if Dean had a fear of flying but something bitter inside of him haunted that plan. After all Dean had come back into his life with horrific news, he deserved to be uncomfortable for the duration of the flight.

"So…" Dean said cutting into the silence. "A helicopter to work? That's…dude that's pretty awesome."

"It's only in summer. We live in the city during the fall and winter, well Jimmy and I do anyway, but when summer comes we spend our time in Long Island. This is easier than driving in every day." Castiel said, his hackles rising ready to defend his upbringing and wealth. Instead Dean's eyebrows rose and he gave an impressed looking nod.

"And I thought I was cool when I used to drive my brother to school in my dad's Chevy." Dean said, his stoic mask slipping ever so. "I always felt so fucking cool rolling up in that thing. Man you should see it. It's a pristine Chevy Impala…she's a beaut." Dean gushed. The man actually gushed about a car. In that moment Castiel saw the human side of Dean, the Dean he met all those years ago. "What do you do at this office? I'm assuming you never pursued a career in art."

"How did...you remember that?" Castiel asked suddenly stumped.

"I always thought you'd become a famous artist, you were too good not to." Dean said shrugging his shoulders. "Then again it's safe to say I always thought I've have a different life compared to what I have now." He added though he sounded bitter.

"I thought about it...pursuing an art career but...but my family comes first." Castiel admitted. "I'm about to become CEO of the company...my father died several weeks ago and in his will he left the company to the eldest born. That would be me, even if it is only by seven minutes."

In all honesty Castiel thought that his brother would be a better leader of the company than him. Jimmy had a head for business and had been heavily involved with the company from an early age. Castiel, while smart and in possession of a keen eye just like his brother, was more flighty. While Jimmy had stayed in New York to study business at Columbia Business School and gone home for dinner every weekend, Castiel had left for Boston and called home once a month if he remembered. He had sought out freedom at Harvard and for a while he had found it.

It had been Charles' wish for Castiel to take charge of the business. Deep down Castiel knew he was not the one to really lead the company but he owed it to the memory of his father. For now he would smile and nod his way through meetings without really caring what was going on, especially now that he knew his time was limited.

"Shame...like I said, I thought you were good." Dean said meeting Castiel's gaze and holding it. As Castiel felt his face flush they were interrupted by the co-pilot of the helicopter.

"We're two minutes out Mr Novak-Reeves."

"Oh…thank you." Castiel said, coughing in order to disguise the stammer in his voice. By the time he looked back towards Dean the other man was looking away and almost seemed to be refusing to meet Castiel's eyes. The last few minutes of the flight were spent in silence.

They landed on the roof of the Novak-Reeves building, all the while Dean looked completely in awe of both the building and the city, and hurried down to the office that had been Charles Novak's up until a few weeks ago.

"Good morning Mr Novak-Reeves." Castiel's assistant Hannah said sounding much too happy to be in the office on a Saturday morning. Castiel noticed Hannah's bicycle propped up in the corner and he fought the urge to smile. Hannah suffered from terrible motion sickness and found it impossible to drive or take taxis or the subway to work. Instead she cycled everywhere. When she first took the job as Castiel's assistant she remarked that she was always worried about leaving her bicycle on the street level even if was locked up because of the level of crime in New York. Castiel had told her that she could bring it up to the office not only because he wanted to keep Hannah's possessions safe but also because he knew it would irritate company members like Zachariah.

"Hannah I've asked you to please just call me Castiel." Hannah was friendly and hardworking but the formal way she spoke to him drove Castiel insane. He knew she was trying to show him respect but instead it just made Castiel feel like a child playing make believe in his father's suit.

"Sorry Castiel." Hannah said with a sorrowful look. "Here are your messages and mail. Zachariah's assistant called and asked me to ask you if you could move the meeting on Monday to today as he has a round of golf with the senator on Monday morning." Hannah reeled off as she followed after Castiel and Dean.

"I'll ring Zachariah myself and tell him 'no'. I'm not dealing with board related crap on a Saturday."

"Oh ok…" Hannah said looking put out. Most of the company members lived their lives via their assistants and it pissed Castiel off to no end. Zachariah's assistant was close to a break down from all the work he was given. "Oh hi." She added once noticing Dean stood next to Castiel. "My name is Hannah. I'm Mr Nov- Castiel's assistant."

"Oh right…yes. Hannah this is Dean Winchester…he's…well we knew one another back in college. He's staying at the estate for a few days." Castiel said nodding towards Dean. Hannah's eyes lingered on Dean for several seconds more than was probably necessary but Castiel couldn't blame her; Dean was attractive. He had been good looking all those years ago and even with the turmoil of his current situation he was still one of the most attractive guys Castiel had ever laid his eyes on.

No I can't think like that.

"Can I get you and…Mr Winchester any coffee or tea?" Hannah asked.

"We're ok at the moment, thank you Hannah." Castiel said motioning for Dean to follow him. Once the door was closed behind him Castiel let out a disgruntled groan. "This is bullshit." He muttered looking around his office.

"To be honest man I think this place is not too shabby. Freakishly clean though." Dean said also looking around the office. "It's like this place is forensically clean and believe me, I know forensically clean when I see it."

"Not my office Dean, this whole situation! You're supposed to be finding a way to save me in the next three days and we're sat in my office all because I'm too loyal or stupid to say no to my mother, my dead father and the goddamn board of directors." Castiel snapped. He tried to keep his voice down as to not make Hannah suspicious but it was difficult.

"You know what, I'm gonna go out a limb and guessing you don't want this job." Dean said and that stopped Castiel short. If Dean could see that then others must have. That was a dangerous way of thinking because if company members saw it then they could easily try and take the company out of Castiel's hands. He couldn't let that happen to the business his father had spent his life on.

"It's the job I was given Dean. It's the job I'm meant to do. No questions." Castiel said quickly trying to put Dean off the scent.

"That is bullshit." Dean retorted with a snort. He even found a way to make snorting look more attractive than it could possibly ever look. If Castiel carried on thinking this way he was screwed.

"Yes well I'm getting over it."

"You really shouldn't."

"And you? What about you? Are you really happy doing this? Don't you ever wish that you hadn't of taken this job?" Castiel asked.

"Castiel I don't want to talk about this." Dean said sharply and Castiel was instantly taken aback at Dean's bluntness.

"Well we're going to have to because we've only got three days to figure out how I'm going to stay alive. I would like you to stop keeping things from me." Castiel said defensively.

"No, ok? No I don't want this job and I never wanted it but I had to save myself for my dad and my brother. That's what it came down to. I had a choice and I made my decision. I can't regret it because I thought I was doing the right thing even if it did fuck up my life." Dean snapped. Castiel's mouth snapped shut and that indicated the end of their conversation. Castiel busied himself with work while trying to actively avoid Dean's eyes for fear of either of them shouting again.

Dinner at the house that night was subdued with Amelia and Naomi doing most of the talking. Castiel spent more time staring at his food than actually eating it while Dean asked if he could be excused not even five minutes after sitting down. While Castiel watched Dean go he found himself thinking back to those weeks after he first met the mysterious Dean Winchester, back when he knew nothing of the man apart from his name and the sense of enigma surrounding him.

*2004*

Dean Winchester

1-866-907-3235

Call me if you need me

The slip of paper had been burning a hole in Castiel's pocket for days. During lectures that dragged on and on Castiel's mind would drift to that enigmatic man with the green eyes whom he felt a connection to. It was silly, they didn't even know one another, but Castiel couldn't help it. Dean had believe him over what he'd seen that night when Rachel had died and he'd convinced Castiel that he wasn't crazy. There had been something there even if Castiel had been standoffish with the man to begin with. Once they had talked more Castiel had felt more comfortable with Dean and even felt something akin to amity between them.

"Why don't you call this guy then if you liked him?" Hester, one of his co-workers at the coffee shop, asked him on a quiet Wednesday morning. They had only been open an hour and the regular surge of students in need of caffeine before lectures wasn't due for another half an hour. Hester leant against the counter with her eyebrow cocked.

"Because it's…he's not from around here and it's complicated." Castiel said for what felt like the fifth time. Ever since his co-workers had heard about Dean, or James Stark as they thought he was called, they hadn't stopped badgering Castiel about it.

"He was an officer wasn't here? Looking into what happened to Rachel?" Hester asked warily. Everyone was still on edge about what had happened to Rachel, Castiel especially seeing as he'd been with her, and no one really liked to talk about it. There had been no more attacks and so Castiel had to assume that Dean and his father had been successful in getting rid of whatever the creature was.

"Um…yes…yes he was." Castiel said as he remembered Dean's cover story.

"I never would have thought that men in uniforms were your thing." Another co-worker of Castiel's who went by the name of Hael said from her perch on top of the counter. She was happily drinking her third coffee of the morning.

"Don't tease him Hael." Hester said with a frown before the frown transformed into a smile as two students came through the front doors. Hester quickly motioned for Hael to get down off the counter as she said "Good morning, what can I get for you?"

While Hester was busy making two caramel lattes, one heavy on the foam and one with whipped cream, Castiel looked down at the paper once again even though he had memorised the number off by heart. He could call Dean, he could but something, maybe it was fear, inside of him stopped him. There was a chance that Dean had just been humouring him that night and there wasn't any connection between them.

*D*

Dean was sat at the very end of a walkway staring out towards the water. If he ran his hands over the last post he would find the carving of their names Jimmy and Castiel had done when they were seven years old. They learnt to swim in this water, their father always shouting out encouragements while Naomi sat further back, away from the splashes so she could enjoy the summer sun. Dean knew this from the babbled conversations Amelia and Naomi had at dinner. Both of them seeming desperate to fill the silences coming from the others. Now the lone figure of the man who had swept back into Castiel's life was silhouetted against the bright moonlight.

Warily, though Dean wasn't really sure why, Castiel walked slowly up the walkway until he was stood behind Dean. Moments before Dean had lit a cigarette and the smoke lazily curled upwards and the familiar smell filled his nostrils.

"There's no need to stand there like a statue, I heard you coming." Dean said as he watched the smoke disappear into the night air.

"I thought I was being rather quiet." Castiel replied.

"Nah man, your soul...it's really loud." Dean said with a shake of his head before taking a drag of his cigarette. That comment brought up so many questions but Castiel bit his tongue to stop himself from asking them, it didn't seem the right time to ask about the volume of souls. "You can sit down you know, this isn't a one man pity party."

"Is that what you're doing?" Castiel asked as he took as seat on the walkway next to Dean. "Drowning in self-pity?" His tone had a bitter edge to it. He was probably questioning why Dean would need self-pity when he wasn't the one with three days to prove he deserved to live.

"That would seem more appropriate but I was calling my brother actually." He showed Castiel his phone before placing it into his jacket pocket. "Oh and smoking as you see. I didn't feel right doing it in the house...mansion...whatever." Dean said. Castiel's house was so big that half the time Dean wasn't sure what to call it. House, mansion…castle…

"You have a brother?" Castiel asked. Castiel had mentioned his brother that night back in Boston but Dean had never talked about Sam. He still felt wrong talking about his brother to people he didn't know even though he was incredibly proud of everything Sam had achieved.

"Yeah, Sammy, he's a few years younger than me." Dean said.

"Is he...does he do what you and your father do?" Castiel asked.

"No, no after...after Boston I would never let Sam be part of it. He was meant to, it's how we were raised but after...well I wanted him to have a normal life away from all of…this." Dean explained. "Things nearly changed when…fuck…you see my dad died a few years back. It was a routine hunt that went wrong and I couldn't save him. Others thought my brother would join me but I refused. Sam…well he deserved a life away from all of it and he's got that now. He lives with his girlfriend in South Dakota, not far away from family friends. He went to Stanford on a scholarship and now he's working in this tiny family law firm."

"I'm sorry about your father." Castiel said after a brief spell of silence.

"I'm sorry about yours." Dean replied.

"Thank you. I'm sorry about earlier on in my office as well. I shouldn't have pushed you into talking about your past. It's something you don't like to talk about, that much is clear, and I should have respected that."

"Nah man, I get why you were pissed and I get why you wanted to know stuff about my life. It's only normal." Dean said finishing his cigarette and flicking into the water.

"I would say that I never knew you smoked but then again I don't know much about you." Castiel lamented sadly because, truly, he was sad that he didn't know Dean better.

"I don't...well not really...I don't know man, it helps. It dulls things." Dean explained. "I don't really like talking about it though."

"By 'things' I assume you're talking about the whole 'reaper' thing."

"Yeah but, fuck, I hate that word." Dean said as he looked away from Castiel and focused on the water in front of him. "God I never thought my life would turn out this way. I always thought I'd still be driving around with my Dad hunting down shit that went bump in the night. Fuck…I'm being a complete asshole talking about this shit when I've given you the worse news anyone could hear yesterday. If I were you I'd be throwing punches."

"You're not being an asshole." Castiel said. "You never asked for this."

"Neither did you." Dean said as he looked back towards Castiel and fixed him with a look. "You wanted to be an artist with his whole life ahead of him and I wanted to…well I just wanted to travel across the country with my dad and save people. I wanted long drives with junk food and my dad's collection of tapes. Man he had some serious music…that was what I thought my life would be. Sammy would have either joined us or gone down the Stanford route like he has done now." He heard himself rambling and yet he couldn't stop himself from talking. There was something about Castiel that made him want to talk about this shit. "God, I'm nostalgic towards a life that I never even have a chance to live. That's fucked."

"Yeah…yeah it is." Castiel said with a loud, tired sounding sigh. As Dean went to light another cigarette Castiel held out a hand. Dean furrowed his brow with surprise. "Mind if I have one?"

"Ever smoked before?" Dean asked with a voice heavily draped in scepticism. Maybe the college student Dean met in Boston would have smoked but the clean cut man in front of him really didn't look like much of a smoker.

"Rachel was a smoker, I used to join her on her breaks at work. It was the only way to ever get away from our asshole of a deputy manager. God that guy was a dick." Castiel explained. His parents never knew about his smoking habit of course and they never knew, even now, about the emergency pack he kept hidden in his drawer at work…you know…just in case he needed it. Dean raised his eyebrows but lit a cigarette and handed it over to Castiel. "Thanks"

"It's the least I could do." Dean said with a shrug. "Can I admit something?"

"Go ahead."

"I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm not gonna find a way to sort this shit out. If that happens it's gonna be on my conscience for the rest of my freaking life." Dean said. "Damn, I've only been here for a day but I can see you're a great guy Castiel. You care about people and its bullshit that this is happening."

"We're going to find a way though…right?"

"Yeah Castiel, we're going to find a way. I promise you." Dean said resolutely.


	3. Part Two: A Soul Is Many Colourful Thing

_"But we were only strangers calling in a dark room_

 _Rejecting stars or cosy lives on the wall_  
 _In the dark I thought I saw you_  
 _Or was it nothing at all?"_

 **Prosthetic Love / Typhoon**

*D*

*2004*

His father found it impossible to talk to Dean for weeks after that night in Boston. The rage Dean had expected to receive from John never came. Instead he said nothing, his silence ringing louder than his anger. At first Dean welcomed it, he'd grown up with John's tempter when Dean failed to meet his expectations, but after several weeks the silence made Dean grow uneasy. He wanted his father to react, to yell or throw things. He wanted anything but the silence.

"Dad?" Dean said cautiously as he walked into Bobby's kitchen. They were back staying at Bobby's house in South Dakota and Dean was still unsure if he was happy that. The house he'd sporadically grown up in used to feel like freedom, almost like a home, but now it just felt like a cage.

Dean's father was stood by the coffee machine watching the pot slowly fill up. He didn't respond at Dean's calling but from the rigid set of his shoulders it was clear that John had heard him. "Dad?" Dean pressed and John's shoulders set even further.

"Not now Dean." John snapped shortly as he continued to watch the coffee pot fill up. Irritation flared up inside of Dean as soon as he heard the coldness in John's voice.

"You can't keep ignoring me like this dad, I've gone nothing wrong." Dean knew this was true but he also knew that John would probably carry on acting like this for as long as he damn well felt like it. That could be weeks, months or even years. Dean's didn't have it in him to find out how long John's cold shoulder would last.

"You really see it that way?" John asked cocking his eyebrows as he turned away from the coffee pot to finally look at his eldest son, looking Dean up and down like his was something to fear. It made Dean feel dirty, like one of the creatures he and his father hunted.

"I did what I needed to do. I couldn't leave you and Sammy." Dean reasoned hoping that his father would accept this but he greatly doubted it. When John's mind was made on something very little could change it.

"Don't bring your brother into this." John hissed. He'd been keeping Dean away from Sam, it was clear for everyone to see. And Dean was furious at his father for doing it. He'd given up ten years of his life so he wouldn't leave his father and brother alone but if anything his decision had pushed him further away from his family.

"You can't keep Sammy away from me and you can't keep treating me like shit!" Dean barked, his voice rising. "We're family…I did this to save my family…please dad…I did this to keep us together…please Dad…" His voice trailed off as John walked out the kitchen leaving Dean alone with no company apart from a half filled coffee pot. Dean swore under his breath as he realised this was probably how his life was going to be like for the next ten years. His father would ignore him, keep Sam away from him and Dean would be alone.

Dean muttered another swear under his breath as he stomped out the kitchen and took two steps at a time until he reached the small room he'd claimed as his own. He slammed the door behind him in an act of either teenage rebellion (heck he was still clinging to nineteen) or extreme childishness (Dean had a feeling it was sadly the latter). Part of him hoped that Sam would sneak out his room to come and see if he was ok but John had spent enough time over the past several weeks drumming it into Sam's head that Dean was better left alone.

"Dean?" Sam said in a tiny voice as he hovered in the doorway.

"Hey Sammy, what's up kiddo?" Dean asked trying to keep his tone light as he watched his younger brother move from foot to foot nervously. "You can come in here y'know." Dean added. Sam sighed before he came slinking into the room.

"I heard you and Dad fighting…again." Sam said with a downcast look.

"Sammy it's…it's complicated." Dean said as he raked his fingers through his hair. "Sorry for yelling though, we'll try to keep it down the next time it happens."

"I wish it wouldn't happen…" Sam said in a small voice, his eyes starting to swim with tears. Dean hated seeing his baby brother like this, it wasn't fair that Sammy had to go through all of this.

"Sorry kiddo, I'm trying…I'm really trying."

"I know you are Dean…Dad says I should give you your space after Boston but…but your my brother." Sam said with a sniffle. "He won't tell me what happen, neither will Uncle Bobby, but I know it wasn't good." A sinking feeling fully settled in Dean's stomach as he watched Sam stand there, eyes still swimming. He held out his arms for Sammy to hug him and moments later his younger brother was enveloped in his arms.

A quiet cough interrupted the moment. Dean pulled away from Sam and, with a jolt to his stomach, saw Tessa standing by his window with her arms folded across her chest. Sam looked over at his brother were a perplexed look while Tessa continued to stand there looking vaguely bored.

"Sammy you better go to your room…don't tell Dad or Bobby about this ok?" Dean said warily as Tessa cocked her eyebrow at the mention of Sam's name. Sam looked between Tessa and Dean before slowly nodding his head and making his way out the room. He gave Dean one last look as he closed the door.

As soon as Sam was gone Dean rounded on Tessa. "What the hell are you doing here?" he snapped.

"So much for a warm welcome." Tessa said with a sniff. "So this is your room…it's quaint." She added looking over the room Dean's slept in when he stayed with Bobby. The Winchesters had already been there for a few weeks while both John and Bobby searched endless books to find out more about reapers.

"What are you doing here Tessa?" Dean pressed.

"I'm guessing that was your brother. He's the reason you're doing all this right?" Tessa questioned.

"Yes he is so can you just leave him out of all of this?" Dean asked. Tessa put up her hands defensively but the smirking look on her face told Dean otherwise.

"Ok ok, no more talking about the precious kid brother." Tessa said rolling her eyes. Dean could feel his hackles rising but he knew better than to antagonise Tessa. She might have looked like your average girl but Dean knew that Tessa was not someone to mess with or get on the wrong side of. "I have a name and you need to be in Colorado as soon as possible." Tessa said sharply.

"Colorado?" Dean asked. Tessa nodded. "And I have to go now? I only just got back from that last damn place I went to." Tessa rolled her eyes and Dean bristled. "I have a life."

"A life that has been put on hold Dean, you knew what you were getting into when you made this deal." Tessa said. "You need to be in Colorado and you need to be there now." Tessa added sharply and before Dean could even say another word she was gone.

"Fucking hell." Dean muttered under his breath. He grabbed his phone and a backpack full of supplies. Dreading what his dad or Bobby would say Dean slowly made his way down the stairs. His father was sat in the kitchen, glass of whiskey in his hand. Dean hovered by the door waiting for his father to speak. He assumed that he would be waiting for a long time.

"Stop hovering in the damn doorway Dean." John snapped. Well surprise, surprise.

"I have to go to Colorado. I'll be back as soon as possible." Dean said quickly knowing that if he drew this out his father would probably have some very choice words for him.

"Dean…this isn't working. Having you here with you up and leaving whenever you called, well whatever it is that happens, it just isn't working." John said. He refilled his whiskey glass and drained it within a matter of seconds. This filled Dean with a sense of nervousness. He hated leaving Sam in the house when John had been drinking.

"What are you talking about?" Dean asked gripping onto the doorframe as John's words slowly sunk in. His father couldn't possibly be asking him to leave could he?

"When you come back from wherever you're going…I think it's best if you don't stay here." John said looking over at Dean. Dean flinched when he saw the look John gave him. It was the look of a stranger.

"I'm not leaving Sammy." Dean said firmly. No matter what his father did he wouldn't leave Sam. He wasn't going to leave his brother with just his father who wouldn't always be there. "I mean it Dad, I'm not leaving Sammy." Dean said more firmly this time. John's eyebrows knitted together as he took in Dean's determined stance.

Dean had been always been so conscious to not look at the colour of his father's soul but now he couldn't focus on anything but the deep red thrumming under is father's skin. He knew that John would have been sickened if he knew what Dean could see. That was the problem though, John no longer saw Dean as his son and Dean knew that. John probably only saw him as something to dear or push away.

"I'm saying this because I'm thinking of your brother." John said austerely. "Sammy is what matters."

"Yeah and that's why I'm not leaving him here with you. You're sober now…but for how long? How long until you get a call and have to leave Sammy here with just Bobby? How long before you just take off for weeks on end without a real reason?" Dean snapped. "I ain't leaving and you can't make me. It's as simple as that."

By the time Dean returned John had left for another hunting gig in Missouri. Three weeks later John came back to Bobby's and the silence continued. They danced around each other, not mentioning John's demand that Dean leave, and after several weeks Dean had gone without saying a single word to John.

Six months later during one of Sam's first hunts John was involved in a car crash. Dean got to the hospital in time to be with Sam but it was too late to save his father. They never repaired the relationship that had been shattered during that night in Boston.

*C*

Dean's face had clouded over as Castiel listened to the lake lapping against the shore. There was sadness in the man's eyes that tugged at Castiel's heart. Dean had lost his father and so he carried the same burden that Castiel did.

They had been thrown together by the most impossible of circumstances and now Castiel was putting his life in Dean's hands. It felt as if the bond that had begun ten years before was swiftly returning. Even though Castiel held a lot of resentment towards Dean for putting him in this position he couldn't stop the rush of conflicting emotions he felt whenever he was around Dean.

"What are you thinking about?" Castiel questioned even though he knew that was probably a very personal question. He would be surprised if Dean even answered.

"I was thinking about a way to prove your soul is strong." Dean said. "If I don't then this would have all been for nothing."

"If it were strong then you wouldn't be here." Castiel pointed out with a bitter sounding snort.

"You're right there man but maybe there's a reason for that." Dean said while Castiel took a drag from the cigarette Dean had lit for him. "No offence but…well you're not really living are you?"

"Excuse me?" Castiel asked frowning deeply.

"You have money and a freaking huge house but can you really tell me that you've lived? You went from school to college then back home I'm guessing, working for your father until he died and you were given the position of CEO. That ain't living."

"That's the life I was meant for." Castiel snapped. No one had ever really questioned his life like this before. People always looked on in envy of Castiel's money and his family's connections, they never questioned if Castiel was truly happy with it all.

"Yeah but it wasn't, was it? It's not the life you wanted. You wanted to be an artist." Dean said and Castiel could feel his hackles rising even more so. It wasn't that Dean's words were wrong, they were actually right and that infuriated him. Castiel had wanted so much more from his life and the life he'd been given was never one he truly wanted. Money and power meant nothing when you wanted a humble life of paint and canvas. "I remember that kid I met in Boston, he just wanted to paint didn't he?" Dean questioned.

I'm nostalgic towards a life that I never even have a chance to live.

Dean's words echoed in his head and Castiel felt akin to this man sat next to him. He was nostalgic towards a life he never got to live. Growing up, and even when at college, he had wanted to pursue his true passion for art but the pressures from his family always weighed him down. Once he turned home from his time spent in Boston Castiel had all but shelved his dream of pursuing art as a career. He wanted that life and often dreamt about where he would be if he'd been given the chance to live that life.

"I did, I did want to be an artist but you never get what you want, not really." Castiel said looking at Dean's face, lit up by the moon and the glow from their cigarettes.

"No…I never got I want and I probably never will." Dean said sounding incredibly bitter. "That's just how life turns out but you've got a chance man, this is your chance to change that. You can do something with your life and not live like this."

"I can't change it Dean, I have obligations and my father's dream to live up to. That is my life. It might not be what I wanted but I'm going to live it."

"No you're not, if we don't figure out a way to prove your soul is strong then you're going to die. You're going to die because you weren't brave enough to stand up to your family and tell them that this isn't the life you wanted for yourself."

"Dean I think you should stop now." Castiel snapped.

"Cas-"

"No, please just stop talking." Castiel said icily. Dean looked away from him, back out towards the lake, and the silence between weighed Castiel down.

"I'm going back towards the house." Dean said after several minutes of silence. "When we get up we should probably start thinking of what we're going to do." Dean said. "Um…goodnight Castiel."

"You can call me Cas." Castiel said by way of extending an olive branch. They couldn't save Castiel's soul with a frostiness between them.

"Huh?" Dean asked.

"Friends at Harvard used to call me Cas and Jimmy sometimes calls me it…I prefer it over Castiel." Castiel said feeling himself grow hot. He was nearly thirty years old, he should not be blushing anymore.

"Ok…goodnight Cas."

"Goodnight Dean."

Castiel watched sadly as Dean flicked his half finish cigarette into the water then rose from his seat on the walkway and slowly made his way back up to the Novak-Reeves mansion. With a heavy sigh Castiel rested his head in his hands. Trying to get his head around the events of the past twenty four hours seemed almost impossible but that's what Castiel was trying to do. He'd been raised to analyse the world around him and to understand people but when it came to his current situation which involved Dean Winchester it seemed unmanageable, completely unmanageable.

I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm not gonna find a way to sort this shit out.

That terrified Castiel as well. He was so scared that there was no way to save his apparently tired soul and he would just have accept his fate. I t didn't seem right to just give up, take death by the hand and walk towards his own demise. That wasn't the person Castiel was by any stretch of the imagination. He'd been raised as someone stronger than that. The thousands upon thousands spent on his education and his father's tutoring had moulded Castiel into a strong person, a warrior of sorts really. He wasn't going to give up without a fight even if he couldn't see a way to 'sort this shit out'

If that happens it's gonna be on my conscience for the rest of my freaking life.

Castiel could see that Dean was already haunted by the life he'd been living for the past ten years and even if he was angry over his current situation Castiel couldn't stand the thought of his death haunting Dean.

*D*

The empty guest room felt unnaturally cold when Dean opened the door. The Novak-Reeves mansion may have been vast but it had yet to feel cold. Maybe it had been the nature of his conversation with Castiel that had chilled Dean to his core. Dean could still smell the musk of cigarette smoke and the tangy water from the lake. If he looked out the large bay window of the guest room he might even spot the small lone figure of Castiel still sat on the dock of the lake.

Dean couldn't think about Castiel right now. Yes, it was selfish as the only reason he was here was for Castiel but there was something inside of Dean that was blurring the lines that had been created all those years ago in Boston. It didn't matter how much he forced himself to ignore it, those lines were still blurring. Dean had to think for himself for a moment even if it was completely self-centred.

Dean's cell phone bursting into light pulled him from his thoughts and Dean barely had a moment to register the name that flashed up on the screen.

"Harvelle what's up?" Dean asked as soon as he picked up the phone. He hadn't spoken to Jo in months but it would actually be good to hear her voice.

"Winchester I need your help." Jo said sounding panicked. Ok maybe it wasn't good to hear her voice when she sounded that freaked out.

"Jo? What is it?" Dean said gripping onto his phone as his stomach plummeted at the tone of Jo's voice.

"Promise not to bitch?" Jo asked. That meant that Dean was definitely not going to like whatever Jo was planning to say.

"No because I don't know what you're going to say." Dean replied.

"My mom and I are on a hunt and we need your help, badly." Jo said almost pleadingly. That's when Dean knew it was important, Jo had never pleaded with him. Over the years when Dean had been able to hunt Jo had joined him a few times. Her mother Ellen had hated those times, thinking that Jo would be in danger. He hadn't been on a hunt with Jo in over five years though.

"I can't..." Dean stammered. "Jo, I don't hunt anymore you know that."

"Yeah Dean I know but we're sinking fast out here and we've gotta act soon. You don't need to get out here, we just need pages from your dad's journal or your advice. I hate saying 'please' but please help us." Jo said pleadingly. "We're running out of ideas here Dean."

"Where are you?" Dean asked not liking the sound of Jo and Ellen's situation at all.

"That's the thing…" Jo said sounding incredibly nervous. That wasn't a good sign at all. Jo Harvelle was never one to act nervous and apologise for her words. "You're not gonna like it but…Dean…we're in Boston."

"No." Dean snapped as it dawned on him. "No Jo, you need to get the hell out there now! I mean it Jo, just turn around and get away from that place."

"God damn Dean! Sam said you would be like this!" Jo snapped back sounding more like a petulant toddler than a grown woman. "He said you would react like this!"

"With good fucking reason Jo!" Dean yelled. He wasn't going to be bitched out by Jo of all people. "That fucking thing killed me! Are you listening to me? It killed me. I was dead because of it and now I'm barely even living some shitty life. You need to get as far away from it as possible before you get hurt or worse."

"Come on Dean, just send John's pages over if they talk about whatever this thing is." Jo said. "We're staying in this shitty little motel outside of Cambridge that still has fax machines in the room, fax the pages over. Sam said you still have the journal. It's probably like your Bible."

"Jo that thing is dangerous and you could get yourself or Ellen killed. You could-"

"It killed last night." Jo said interrupting Dean with a cutting tone. "A freshman girl called Channing. We've got to stop it before it kills yet another student and if you won't stop it then my mom and I will." Jo snapped. "You can't convince me to do otherwise Dean, we're going to stop this thing with or without your help but without your help will take a lot longer."

"Fine, I'll send you the pages."

"I knew I could twist your arm. You're predictable Dean."

"No, I'm just a gullible idiot. Be careful Jo, I mean it Jo be careful." Dean said before hanging up. He found John's journal out of the small bag he had brought with him, took photos of each page that covered what had happened in Boston and sent them to Jo's phone once he saw that there was no fax machine in the guest room. The Novak-Reeves mansion was so high-tech it probably didn't even have a fax machine anymore.

After the call from Jo it seemed almost impossible for Dean to switch off his brain. He tried flicking through one of the books from the bookcase for a few hours but it was no good. With a disgruntled sigh Dean threw the book onto the guest bed and left the room.

The halls of the Novak-Reeves mansion were endless. How Castiel and Jimmy didn't get lost as children was completely beyond Dean as he walked down a hallway not really sure whereabouts he was going.

Dean noted the lights in the kitchen were on and curiosity got the better of him. Gently pushing the door open Dean glanced into the kitchen and was surprised to see Castiel sat at the breakfast bar, a sandwich and cup of tea sat in front of him. Castiel looked up as Dean slowly walked into the room.

"Oh…hi."

"Hi. Can't sleep?" Dean asked sitting down opposite Castiel. There were bruise coloured bags under Castiel's eyes and a weary look in the normally bright blue eyes. Dean couldn't help but note how the rippling of Castiel's soul underneath his skin seemed just so tired and weary. The bright white light scattered with colour seemed duller than it had seemed when Dean saw Castiel in the library. Sadness crept into Dean's bones. He was supposed to be convincing Tessa that Castiel deserved to live and yet there he was sat with a tired soul.

"I can fall asleep but staying asleep is much harder. It's been like it ever since my father died." Castiel said reaching for his sandwich. "It's not much but peanut butter sandwiches helps. As does tea." Castiel added. He tore his sandwich in half and handed one half to Dean. "I noted that you didn't eat anything at dinner, you must be hungry."

"I…I don't really have to eat anymore." Dean said with a shrug of his shoulders and he saw Castiel's eyebrows knit together with concern or maybe it could have been wonder. He wasn't quite sure. "It's something I miss. After hunts my dad and I would always stop off at some greasy diner to grab a burger or slice of pie. It seemed so silly back then, doing something so normal after ganking a ghost but looking back…man I'd give anything to just sit in some crappy diner and inhaled a burger." Castiel looked at Dean, his eyes filled with concern, and gave him a weak smile. "I'll try half a p-b sandwich though." Dean added trying to make light of the situation. He took a generous bite of the sandwich and stopped for a moment to savour the flavours that erupted over his tongue.

He was four years old again. Sat at the kitchen table, his legs swinging backwards and forwards and Mary was kissing the top of his head as she placed a plate in front of him. A peanut butter sandwich, smooth not crunchy, on freshly made white bread. Dean turned to his mother and grinned up at her.

"Thanks mommy."

"You're welcome sweetheart." Mary said as Dean dove into the sandwich, relishing the comforting taste of the fresh homemade bread and smooth, creamy peanuts.

With a shake of his head Dean was back in the kitchen with Castiel who was watching him intently. Dean placed his half of the sandwich back onto the plate and rubbed his eyes with fatigue. He wasn't tired in the physical sense, it had been so long since he'd felt the need for sleep, but emotionally he was exhausted. The day with Castiel had taken it out of him and so had the never ending thoughts of how the hell he was even going to save Castiel in the first place.

"You seem tired yourself." Castiel noted as his gaze roamed over Dean's face.

"I don't sleep either…I haven't since that night." Dean said.

"Nearly ten years ago?" Castiel asked leaning forward in his seat. "That must…that must be hard." Castiel said. "How are you even still alive?"

"I don't really need sleep." Dean said with a shrug.

"Is there something else bothering you?"

"Honestly?" Dean asked. Castiel nodded. "My friend Jo called me…she and her mom are both hunters…they're hunting that thing in Boston."

"Shit." Castiel said before chewing on his bottom lip.

"Yeah, she wanted my dad's notes on it…I guess I'm freaked that they're going to get hurt. Those things…well you know, it killed your friend after all."

"And you. Those creatures the reason why you're like this, why you're here. You must hate them for all of this."

"I don't care that it hurt me. I care about Jo and Ellen…they're some of the only family I have left after Sam and Bobby. I can't deal if they get hurt." Dean said, ripping off a piece of sandwich and throwing it into his mouth.

"That's a very cavalier attitudes to take towards something that, for intents and purposes, killed you." Castiel said before tearing off a piece of his own sandwich. Dean shrugged, he had made peace with his death and was now just living day to day until he could return to his life, hopefully in South Dakota with Sam the others. "So is that the only reason you can't sleep?" Castiel asked as she shifted closer to Dean.

"Nah. Like I said, I don't really need sleep…plus the voices are too damn loud." Dean muttered and Castiel's face became filled with even more concern. "The voice of souls…it's harder to tune them out at night so I find it near impossible to sleep. Like I said, I don't need sleep and I won't need sleep until all this is over, but I still feel tired from time to time." He explained. "I've learnt over time to not notice people's souls, to notice how they ripple under the skin, but the voices…the way they call out is much harder to ignore."

"What do…wait…never mind." Castiel said shaking his head as he reached for his cup of tea.

"What do they look like?" Dean guessed and Castiel nodded. Dean scratched the neck of his neck as he tried to search for the words. Sam had only asked him about souls once. It had been eight years ago and Dean had asked Sam not to ask him again, the image of his own swirling black soul contrasting against Sam's bright gold forever burnt into his brain. "They're…every soul is different. Different colours and different ways that they move under the skin. Some are bright and move like water, others dark and moving like smoke. I notice them by people's hands normally, others notice them in other ways but for me it's the hands."

"And…and mine?" Castiel asked intently, leaning even closer towards Dean. "Or can't you answer that?" he added and Dean blanched for a moment.

This was entirely new territory for him. He never told Sam about the burning gold soul that lit him up from the inside like the sun and Dean never told him about how he was sickened by the sight of the smoke like soul that seeped beneath Dean's own skin. He couldn't talk about his own soul, something he was sure he didn't even really own anymore, but Castiel's…maybe he could talk about Castiel's. Dean was there for Castel after all, the presence and condition of Castiel's soul was something he should be able to talk about. Dean owed him that much.

"It's bright, bright white, maybe silver in certain lights."

"I bet you've seen many like it. I'm nothing special after all." Castiel said looking down at his cup with a forlorn look.

"No…no yours is unique." Dean said and he couldn't fight the smile that spread across his face as he reached out for Castiel's wrist. He turned Castiel's hand over so his palm was facing upwards. Castiel looked up away from his cup and fixed Dean with a wide eyed stare. "See here." Dean said running a finger over a small patch of skin on Castiel's palm. "Here there are flashes of blue and here are green. It's like when the light catches cut glass and you see all those colours…or when you mix paint in water." He added looking down at the swirl of delicate colours mixed in with the silver that ran under Castiel's skin. At Dean's words, and under the the dim light of the kitchen, Castiel's soul seemed to glow.

Castiel continued to stare at Dean with wide eyes. Dean's fingers were still trailing over Castiel's palm and the other man shivered as Dean's fingers ran over Castiel's life line. After a moment more colours rippled under Castiel's skin with when ink was dropped into water. Dean's breathing hitched as he sensed the change of emotion even though guilt was surging through his veins. This was shifting into territory Dean was completely unsure of. It was dangerous not just because of why Dean was even in the Novak-Reeves mansion but also because it would mean admitting to something that began nearly ten years prior on that evening in Boston.

For weeks upon weeks after Dean would think about the man he met in the small coffee shop, the man who had been thrown into the world of the supernatural by the death of his friend. There would be times when he all but stopped what he was doing as he thought about Castiel's stunning artwork. John would question him but Dean would never divulge what was going through his mind.

Slowly, as the job of being a reaper consumed him, Dean began to forget that cold and rain soaked evening until he had been thrown back into Castiel's world with the worst news anyone could receive. Because at the end of the day that was why Dean was here. Yes he was trying to prove to Tessa that Castiel deserved to live but if he couldn't then Castiel was going to die. Dean was going to have to take his bright, bright soul from this world.

With a shudder Dean let go of Castiel's hand and all but leapt up off his chair. "I'm sorry Castiel. I'm sorry." He said as Castiel stared back at him with a confused look. "I'm sorry." Dean repeated as he turned on his heels and hurried out the kitchen. Castiel called him back but it was no good. Dean carried on walking until he was as far away from the kitchen as he could get without leaving the mansion.

*C*

The half eaten peanut butter sandwich was left forgotten as Castel walked out the kitchen only moments after Dean. He wasn't sure where Dean had gone, it could have been anywhere seeing the size of the Novak-Reeves mansion, but he was sure that Dean wanted to be left alone. Castiel couldn't blame him at all.

He had felt something when sat in that kitchen with Dean. Goosebumps had erupted across his skin as Dean's fingers has trailed over his palm and, try as he might, Castiel couldn't stop thinking about the intense light he saw in Dean's vivid green eyes. He had felt something and there was no going back from now.

From the kitchen Castiel walked through the glass doors that led out to the garden. The moon was bright in the sky, lighting up the lawns that backed onto the lake which was also lit up by the moon. Castiel took a seat on one of the small but cosy benches on the decking and took in a deep breath. The air smelt of mown grass, the lake and something that could only be described as summer. He sat there for a while, nearly half an hour, just breathing in the smell.

"What's going on here Cas?" A quiet voice asked from the doorway. Castiel jumped ever so at the voice but calmed down when he realised it was his twin brother.

"How long were you standing there?" Castiel asked looking over to where Jimmy was stood in the doorway.

"I followed you out here. I saw you and Dean sat together. He was the guy from Boston wasn't he? He was the police officer you had a thing for. Hael and everyone teased you about it for months, you told me so when you were drunk."

"You knew that it was Dean." Castiel said trying to hide his blush. The night he told Jimmy about Dean still fresh in his mind despite the alcohol he'd drunk at the time. They had been out in the city with Amelia, Hannah and a few others who worked with Castiel. Castiel hadn't meant to drink so much and it ended in him telling his brother all about that night in Boston.

"You never told me his name. What's going on? Is he here for you?" Castiel shivered at Jimmy's wording.

I'm here for you, don't you get it?

"Cas?"

It's unfair and shitty but I am here for you.

"Cas?" Jimmy pressed.

"Yes it was Dean and yes I did feel something for him but that almost ten years ago. A lot can happen in ten years" Castiel said trying to brush his brother off but Jimmy was no fool.

"And yet he's back. How do you explain that?" His brother pressed. Castiel shivered once again because in reality explaining why Dean was here wold mean having to explain that they weren't alone in the world, monsters were real and they could easily destroy lives.

"He was in town, that's all Jimmy." Castiel said, desperately trying to sound casual as he watched the moon's reflection rippling on the lake. Jimmy sat down next to him with a mocking snort.

"Sorry bro but I don't believe you. There's something going on."

"Jimmy there isn't anything going on."

"I've seen the way you two look at one another and you've been jumpy ever since he turned up at the party." Jimmy said. He was always so observant, even when they were small children. Jimmy knew nearly everything about Castiel, sometimes even before Castiel knew it himself. "You'd tell me if there was something right?"

"Jimmy-"

"I hated it when you moved away and cut us all out. I know why you did it though so I can't hate you for it but…but going from seeing you every day and hearing everything about you to getting a phone call a week if I was lucky was horrible. I don't want you to go back to how you were then."

"I'm not…Jimmy, nothing is going on." Castiel said. He hated lying to Jimmy, hated it with a passion, but he just couldn't tell his brother the truth…the truth didn't even make sense.

"Cas-"

"It's getting late and I should really just try to sleep." Castiel trying to make his excuses.

"Cas come on, please just tell me what's going on. You haven't been right since Dean came here. What's going on? You're not in some kind of trouble are you?"

"No I'm not." Castiel scratched at his neck as he felt heat rushed through his skin. "I'm not in any kind of trouble so you don't have to worry about that."

"I'm your brother, it's by job to worry."

"I'm the eldest, it's technically my job to worry." Castiel pointed out and Jimmy scoffed loudly.

"You keep thinking that Cas." He said with a small laugh before his face became serious again. "There's something between you and Dean though right? You've been weird and Dean was the 'guy that got away'." He added. Castiel groaned at the phrase, Hael and the girls at the coffee shop used to use it all the time. "He is though and now he's just come back after all this time. Maybe he's here for a reason." If only Jimmy knew.

"Maybe he is and maybe I'll find out but right now I need to sleep or at least I need to try and get back to sleep." Castiel said rising from his seat. He gave his brother a fond look and bid his goodnight.

"Cas…we just want you to be happy, like really happy." Jimmy said with a sigh. "We all want you to be as happy as I am, as happy as Amelia is. If that means being with Dean in any small way then we can all accept that."

"Jimmy-"

"Cas, I'd feel less crappy if I knew you weren't miserable. If you were happy."

"I am happy." Castiel said though he wasn't sure if he believed his own words and by the looks of it neither did Jimmy. "Jimmy I'm fine, just let me go to sleep."

"Ok…ok, go." Jimmy said waving him away. Castiel knew that five minutes would pass with Jimmy still sat there thinking about their conversation. He would then mutter something to himself about Castiel being an idiot before he'd go back to the room he shared with Amelia and enter a restful sleep. Castiel on the other hand would be turning in his sleep all night as both conversations with Jimmy and Dean played over and over in his. Jimmy's accusations about Castiel's happiness, Dean's conviction that Castiel wasn't living his life to the fullest and that moment when Dean was explaining all about souls. That moment when their skin touched and Castiel felt electricity shooting through his veins.

When he thought about the electricity, Castiel smiled even in his sleep. It was dangerous, maybe even impossible but that electricity was present all night as he slept, the sizzle soothing his jagged mind for the first time in weeks.

Morning came too soon. Sunlight leaked through the half open curtains, hitting Castiel right in the eyes. Castiel's room had spectacular views of the lake but come morning and Castiel had nothing but sun in his face. Like each morning Castiel robotically started up his routine; showering, getting dressed and making his way down the dining room for breakfast despite his groggy state.

He was surprised to see Dean already seated at the breakfast table in a deep conversation with Amelia about something. Naomi was slowly working her way through The Sunday Times while Jimmy seemed more interested in his bacon than anything else. Castiel thought he did a very good job of slipping into the room without anyone noticing.

"You're up late this morning." Naomi said without even looking away from her newspaper. Scratch that then.

"I didn't realise it was so late." Castiel said checking the time. It had just gone past ten but in Naomi's eyes that was late even on a Sunday. Naomi rolled her eyes but didn't pull her attention away from her paper. "Is there any coffee?" Castiel surveyed the table and picked up a piece of toast.

"Jimmy, pass your brother the coffee pot and if anyone else interrupts my reading the news I will be most put out." Naomi said, still not tearing her eyes away from her paper. Jimmy gave his mother an exasperated look but passed over the half-full coffee pot.

Breakfast was a quiet affair with only Naomi making a comment every now and then regarding the news. Castiel kept shooting glances over to where Dean and Amelia were sat in a deep and hushed conversation but he couldn't tell what they were talking about. Every so often Castiel's eye would catch Jimmy's and Jimmy's eyebrow would raise.

After a few more minutes of drinking coffee and watching his cornflakes expand in a bowl of milk Castiel rose out his seat. Jimmy had become too engrossed in his bacon sandwich to notice him leave and Naomi had started on the crossword, she would be preoccupied until she'd solved it. Castiel left the room and wasn't too surprised when moments later Dean followed him. They walked in silence for a few moments, the heaviness from the night before hung in the air and Castiel could practically taste how awkward it was.

"I have to go to the office again today." Castiel said to fill the silence.

"But it's Sunday, you can't go into work on a Sunday." Dean pressed but Castiel simply shrugged his shoulders.

"I've been neglecting things recently."

"I'm sorry for that then I guess." Dean said shooting Castiel a guilty smile.

"No, it's not you." Castel shrugged him off. "Even before you came here I wasn't as focused as I should be. We won't be long in the city though. I've called the pilot and he won't be too long."

"Pilot…man that takes some getting used to." Dean muttered with a shake of his head. Castiel felt his cheeks redden. He'd hidden his wealth in college with ease, he'd simply pretended to be someone else, but he couldn't do that around Dean and it made him nervous. He did not want Dean to think of him as just some privileged boy.

"We could just drive but it would take a while and time…I'll call the pilot and tell him to forget it. A car would be less obvious and-"

"Cas it's fine, calm down." Dean said reaching out to stop Castiel from hurrying off in a panic. Somehow Dean's hand had encased his, whether it was by accident or with purpose, and the touch of skin against Castiel's own was burning.

The feeling in his chest when Dean touched him in the kitchen that morning came rushing back as Castiel looked down at Dean's hand enclosing his own. The smell of coffee in the air and Dean once again being there to listen to him hurtled Castiel back to that in the coffee shop.

He was still finding it hard to sleep. Whenever he closed his eyes he kept hearing Rachel's panicked scream, her final breaths rasping out and the silence that followed. It had made it impossible to sleep. He'd been running on forty minute power naps and too much caffeine since Rachel's death and he was sure that he was slowly going insane. From his pocket Castiel felt his phone buzz.

Jimmy: Mom and Dad want to send flowers to Rachel's parents. Send the address. Try and get some sleep. Answer your phone once in a while.

Castiel had wanted to keep his family out of Rachel's death but once the police got involved and started questioning him Castiel had been forced to tell his parents. At first Naomi had ben furious, after all Castiel hadn't rung her for weeks, but that anger had only lasted for half the phone call. He'd spoken to Jimmy more often but still Castiel had tried to keep his family away from Boston. They belonged in New York not in Castiel new life in Massachusetts.

"What can I get for you?" Hael said cheerily when a young man came up to the counter. Castiel had been leaning against the syrup counter hoping that tonight he could get more than forty-five minutes sleep that evening. Castiel was so busy reading each syrup bottle that he didn't the man's order but he certainly heard Hael's voice shift from cheerful to downright cold. "I can get you coffee, maybe a muffin but I'm not answering any questions about Rachel no matter who you say you are." Hael snapped. Castiel moved from his spot by the syrups to take a look of the man.

The young man only looked as old as Castiel but there was a weariness to him that showed a soul older than his years. The man blinked with surprise at Hael's tone but ordered a strong black coffee. Castiel noticed the man's bright green eyes as they continued to stare at Hael. The man was attractive, one of the most attractive men Castiel had seen in a long time, but it was his mentioning of Rachel that pushed Castiel into approaching him. That was what he told himself when he felt the pull in his chest and the jolt in his stomach when the man's vivid green eyes met his.

In that moment Castiel wanted nothing more than to drink in this man's presence and not stop until he was completely consumed.

"Cas?"

"Sorry?" Castiel's mind had drifted while Dean had been speaking.

"Flying into the city is fine, don't worry." Dean said casually as he removed his hand from Castiel. Castiel found himself mourning the loss of skin.

*D*

Dean was surprised to see Hannah sat behind her desk and frantically tapping away at her keyboard. The desk was covered in coffee mugs, all but one of them being empty, and Hannah herself looked as though she hadn't slept since Friday.

"Mornin'" She mumbled without even looking away from the screen of her Mac. "Coffee's in the pot, only just made it. I've put everything on your desk and stuck memos on most of the covers." Hannah babbled, still not looking away from her screen or stopping her typing. Dean had to marvel her conviction to her work and the fact that it seemed as though she'd drunk seven cups of coffee this morning alone.

"Thanks Hannah, what would I do without you?" Castiel asked.

"Not have coffee most mornings and never know where your ties where. Plus you would have never found that great bagel if it weren't for me." Hannah said finally looking up at Castiel with an arched eyebrow.

"I do love their poppy seed bagels." Castiel mused before slipping into his office and letting out a deep, tired sounding sigh.

"What's wrong?" Dean asked.

"When all this is over the company is going to be split up and Hannah will end up out of a job. Zachariah dislikes her and will try to push her out the company. She doesn't deserve that after all the hard work she's done since starting here." Castiel explained.

"Why do you worry so much about this place? I know it's what your father wanted but why do you put this much into it? Most people who get given these things to them on a plate waltz through life, you actually care though. Why?" Dean asked.

"It's complicated Dean."

"No offence but you're talking to a guy who can see and hear people's souls, you don't know complicated." Dean said bluntly.

"I guess I sometimes worry that everyone wants to see me fail." Castiel said with a weary sigh and Dean felt nothing but empathy for the other man. The two men sat in Castiel's office, occasionally looking out the window to the skyline below. Castiel reclined in his chair with a heavy sigh while Dean watched him. "I might not have wanted this career but it's all that is left of my father. I can't lose it."

"Who exactly would you lose it to?" Dean asked.

"There are people in the company that never wanted me to take over my father's role. Members like Zachariah would happily take the reins from me." Castiel explained. "They would take everything away, belittle me and make it seem like I was never right for the job. That I was just some stupid child…"

"But you're not at all." Dean said moving across the office and standing next to Castiel, he placed a tentative hand on Castiel's shoulder. He shouldn't have done it, he knew that but he needed to do something to reassure Castiel. "Cas you're not a stupid child, you've gotta stop thinking that people believe that. If this Zachariah and so many people in this damn company think that you're not right for the job then maybe it's just more proof that this job in ruining you."

"Dean I know you think that it's part of the reason 'my soul isn't strong' or more of that bullshit but this is the job my parents wanted for me, it's the job my father left for me." Castiel grumbled moving away from Dean. Dean lowered his head with a heavy sigh.

"I'm trying here Cas." He was as well, he was trying to think of any small way he could prove to Tessa that Castiel deserved to live but there was nothing.

No.

Not nothing.

Everything about Castiel that Dean was discovering made him so human but more and more broken. Dean knew why Tessa thought Castiel's soul couldn't be saved.

That wouldn't stop him though.

"I don't think either of us are trying hard enough. I know I should be thinking about how to save myself but my head is just caught up in things that happened years ago or things that just don't matter." Castiel explained. A faint flicker of green shimmied under Cas' skin along with the pale grey but Dean wasn't sure what it meant.

They sat there for a while just talking, trying to think of anything to talk about that wasn't their current situation.

"Excuse me but you can't go in there!" Hannah snapped from her desk outside of Castiel's office. Both Dean and Castiel looked up as they heard Hannah's chair being hastily pushed out from under her desk. "He's in a meeting right now and doesn't want to be disturbed!" She added frantically. "I said you can't go in there!"

"You might want to rethink how you talk to your superiors." A drawling voice hissed back as the door to Castiel's office flung open. The man Castiel had called Zachariah stormed into the room and Hannah hot on his heels. Zachariah looked at the two of them with a face full of surprise.

"I told you that Mr Novak-Reeves was in a meeting. Kindly remove yourself from his office and wait." Hannah said, her posture straightening to give herself more height. Zachariah whipped round to glare at her in a way he probably thought was menacing before he looked back at Castiel.

"You let your staff speak to high level company members like that?" he asked with raised eyebrows.

"She is simply doing her job. I said I didn't want to be disturbed." Castiel said. "It's Sunday Zachariah, what are you doing here?" Castiel asked.

"I'm working on a few things, why are you here?" Zachariah replied just as coolly.

"This is my company. It is my family's name on the building. I'm allowed to be in my own office. Now please leave my office and stop being rude to my employees. I'm in a meeting at the moment then I want to return home." Castiel snapped. Zachariah looked between Dean and Castiel with a look twinging on suspicion before he let out a loud scoff. Without saying another word he left the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

"I'm so sorry Castiel, I tried to stop him from coming in but you know what he's like." Hannah said shifting her weight nervously from one foot to another. "He barges in like a bull and doesn't care about anyone who stands in his way."

"Hannah it is fine, honestly its fine. Dean and I are finished here so you can go home if you want. Don't let Zachariah get to you." Castiel said in a smooth voice. Hannah gave him a small smile and soon left the office. "See what I mean about Zachariah?" Castiel then asked Dean.

"Oh yeah, the guy is a huge asshole."

"That's one way to put it I guess." Castiel said. "I'm sorry you had to see that though." Castiel added with a weary sigh. "It's like the sharks are circling and I can't do a thing to stop it."

"I was going to ask why that dick was here but it didn't feel like my place." Dean said.

The ride back to the house was silent. Castiel was staring out the window and looking anywhere but at Dean. Dean tried to wrack his brain for something to say, something that would comfort Castiel but he just couldn't.

"I'm tired Dean, I'm going to try and sleep for a while." Castiel said when they landed back at the mansion. Dean reached out and enclosed his hand around Castiel's wrist. Castiel stopped and looked down to where their skin connected. There was tension hanging in the air but instead of acting on it Dean just sighed and let go.

"Yeah, try and sleep. I'll…I'll try and think of something while you're asleep." Dean said. Castiel gave him a grateful looking smile before walking off in the general direction of his room. Dean sadly watched him go and desperately tried to think of something reassuring to say but he couldn't think of anything. There was nothing he could say to make this right and he hated it. He truly hated it.

*C*

Castiel had been back home for a week before his family started piling on the pressure. He'd graduated with excellent grades, despite spending most of his time painting instead of studying, and he'd been given scores of job offers from several Boston based companies upon graduation. He'd turn them down of course, he had to because as his father had told him since he was five years old, he had a job waiting for him.

Graduation had been a stressful time. There had been a memorial for Rachel's death and the students who had been hurt during the attacks. The memorial had been painful, Rachel's parents and classmates had spoken about her and her life. Castiel had sat there bitterly missing his friend with whom he spent so many evenings in the coffee shop. They would joke about customers, drink endless amounts of coffee and talk about their families. They were friends, good friends, and her death had affected him. He missed her a lot. He knew that she would have been there for him when he was having a bad day or after a fight with his parents. She would have been there for him after the whole thing with Dean.

Though if Rachel was alive then Castiel would never have met Dean.

He had been thinking about Dean on and off ever since that night and even once he was back home on Long Island he would still occasionally think of the young man with the green eyes who had been so understanding. Castiel hadn't rung Dean but he thought about it. He would even occasionally pick up the phone and find that he was dialling Dean's number absentmindedly before hanging up.

As the months went on Castiel thought about Dean less and less. He was so preoccupied with his new job in the family company. Within a few months that night he met Dean was all but a distant memory to Castiel would only occasionally think of with fondness.

With a jolt Castiel awoke to a room bathed in an early evening glow. Looking over to the clock on his bedside table he saw that he'd been asleep for hours.

Castiel lifted himself up until he was resting against his headboard and let out a low groan. He could no longer hate Dean Winchester for what he'd brought into Castiel's life. In fact he had never hated Dean Winchester for even a moment and now he could no longer ignore the growing feeling of warmth he felt whenever he was in Dean's company. It was scary and impossible but Castiel could no longer fight against it. All those years ago Dean had shown him that there was a world outside his own, one that might have been terrifying but it explained so much, and now he was back. He was back fighting to stop Castiel being dragged into that world even if Castiel no longer cared if that was where he belonged.

Maybe Dean would be with me.

The thought came out of nowhere but also from everywhere. It was scary but maybe he knew, deep down, it was a thought that had been coming for days. Dean coming back into his life had brought back old feelings and Castiel couldn't ignore them anymore.


	4. Part Three: Less I Care About The Fall

_Running around chasing hearts_  
 _Chasing bodies to fix the parts_  
 _I don't know how I reached this place_  
 _So far from heaven, so far from grace_

 **Drowning Shadows / Sam Smith**

*D*

After returning to the house Dean's mind couldn't switch off. He tired pacing around his room for a while but that did nothing. In the end he chose roaming around the large mansion. It seemed like a good idea as that could easily take up hours. He ignored the lower levels of the mansion, instead he ventured to the upper levels. The levels that felt older and less lived in.

The air felt thicker the further Dean went into the north wing. Dean got the feeling that the part of the house wasn't used as much as the other parts. The air had a musty smell to it that reminded Dean of Bobby's place in South Dakota. He doubted that if he went searching he would find ancient leather bond books about werewolves, chupacabras or ghouls in the Novak-Reeves's library.

He felt the other person's presence before he heard the faint footsteps against the hardwood floor. A bright red soul, dancing across the skin like rippling water. It wasn't Cas but the soul sounded similar.

"Dean? Are you lost?" Jimmy asked. Despite how identical they looked on the outside Dean could see so many differences between Castiel and Jimmy. His soul was so much more stable than Castiel's and it times Dean noticed that it thrummed under his skin in perfect timing to Amelia's. If there was ever two people meant to be together it was Jimmy and Amelia.

"Oh, I was just looking around and I guess I took a wrong turn." Dean said glancing around the hallway. Jimmy's eyes followed him as he looked round and once again Dean found it strange how much Jimmy looked like Castiel and yet there were clear differences between them. Jimmy carried himself with more light, the pressure of running the Novak-Reeves empire not on weighing down his shoulders. "Hey, I'm sorry if I shouldn't be up here."

"Don't worry, its fine Dean. No one really comes up here apart from my brother and he hasn't used this studio in a while." Jimmy said nonchalantly.

"Studio?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, Castiel used to use this space as his personal art studio before our father became ill." Jimmy said. Dean remembered the stunning line art he had seen in Castiel's notebook all those years ago. "He hasn't been in there in a while though."

"Do you think he would…would he mind if I had a look?" Dean asked. "I remember Cas' art from when I was in Boston and it was always good." He elaborated.

"I don't think he minds anything anymore." Jimmy said sadly as he motioned for Dean to follow him down the hallway. He opened the door at the end of the hall and at first all Dean could see was light. It filled a large room, larger than some apartments, painted white. Every surface was covered in art supplies: paints ranging from acrylic to watercolour to oil, charcoals, pencils, paintbrushes and other tools. Half completed canvases were pushed against the walls and filled every easel. The distinctive line art Dean saw in Boston was everywhere. This room had so much of Castiel's soul ingrained in it Dean could barely breathe. The smell of wood, paints and must was imbedded into every surface.

"When was he last in here?" Dean asked.

"About six months ago, it may have been seven. He doesn't paint much anymore but when he does there's always a reason behind it. He couldn't sleep and when I couldn't find him in the kitchen I came up here." Jimmy said as Dean moved from one canvas to another. "That was what he was working on when I found him." Jimmy said pointing over to the smaller of the canvases. Dean stopped when his eyes fell on it. Leather and beaded bracelets, several with anti-demonic sigills carved into them, peeked out of a clean white shirt. Silver rings adorned a freckled hand. A smile broke out on Dean's face as he ran his hand over the unfinished work.

"Man, he's so talented." Dean remarked as he admired the work.

"He always was." Jimmy said almost wistfully. "He told me all about the night you two met. He was very drunk when he told me the story but from what I gathered you made quite an impression on him." Jimmy added as he watched Dean's hand run over the canvas. "He wanted to call you for weeks after, I think he even did once but the phone went to voicemail. Our parents never knew this and either does Amelia so you don't have to worry about your cover story."

"Cover story?" Dean's heart began the hammer against his chest at Jimmy's words.

"You're the officer, well the guy pretending to be an officer, who questioned Cas about Rachel's death." Jimmy said and Dean stilled, his hand hovering over the canvas. "You said your name was James Stark but Cas figured out it was a fake name instantly. He's always been a fan of Rebel Without A Cause. I don't know why you're here but I'm guessing it's for Cas."

"It's complicated Jimmy." Dean said, his voice wavering much to his annoyance.

"Listen Dean, Cas is my brother and my best friend. We've been best friends since we were born. I just want the best for him." Jimmy said as he fixed onto Dean with a firm look. Dean felt his skin begin to itch at Jimmy's stare. That panicky feeling he got was working its way through his blood until he felt completely cold.

"What exactly are you getting at here Jimmy?" he asked resisting the urge to scratch at his skin. The dark smoke under his skin thrummed heavily.

"I was lucky. I was the second born so I never had the pressure put on me as much as Castiel did." Jimmy explained.

"I guessed as much when I met him."

"Castiel wanted to go to art school but ended up at Harvard instead. He wanted to be an artist but due to our father's will he's becoming the CEO of the family company instead. During high school and college he was constantly terrified that people only wanted him for our money or our family. He was closed up from a young age." Jimmy explained as he absentmindedly picked up a paintbrush and set it back down on the nearest table. "He's lived his whole life following the orders of our parents apart from when he was in Boston. He had friends, real friends, and for a moment I think he had you."

"We barely knew each other back then in Boston." Dean said. "We don't really know each other now."

"Oh please Dean, I've never seen Cas look at other people in same way he looks at you." Jimmy scoffed. "I just don't want either of you to fuck up whatever is going on between the two of you. I got lucky, I found Amelia, and I want Cas to have a bit of luck in his life."

"This is more complicated than you realise." Dean said.

"I'm not an idiot Dean, I know you care about Cas, you wouldn't be here if you didn't."

"I'm not the one for your brother Jimmy. I'm not a good person."

"You were there for Cas after Rachel died. You believed his story about the thing that killed her and you listened to him. That makes you a damn good person in my books." Jimmy said bluntly.

"I…I should go and find Cas or…I don't know." Dean mumbled, suddenly feeling like the room was far too small and stuffy. Jimmy raised his eyebrows but didn't say a word as Dean hurried out the studio.

He returned to his room and tried to let his mind wander but he just couldn't switch off. He wished he could just sleep, just close his eyes and drift off, but that wasn't possible. His brain wouldn't stop going over everything that was happening.

He lay like that for hours until finally Dean gave up. He changed out of his clothes and into a simple pair of jeans and a dark Henley. Even though it was the early hours of the morning Dean slipped out his room and slowly made his way to Castiel's room.

Dean gently knocked on Castiel's door and waited for it to open. It took a few moments for the door to open and soon Castiel was stood in front of him looking incredibly tired. The bruises under his eyes were a deep purple and his normally blue eyes were rimmed red.

"Dean? What are you doing here?" Castiel was dressed in just a lose pair of sweatpants and a loose sweater.

"I'm guessing you can't sleep." Dean said. Castiel shrugged his shoulders with a tired smile on his face.

"I tried but I can't switch off my brain." Dean knew that feeling. "What are you doing here?" Cas asked.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" Dean suggested. All he wanted to do right now was take to the open road and never look back but he wanted so desperately to save Castiel, he couldn't flee but he could get out of the mansion with Castiel.

"Dean it's…it's gone past midnight. What would you want to even do?" Castiel asked. This time it was Dean's turn to shrug his shoulders. "Give me a minute." Castiel said motioning for Dean to follow him into the room. Dean followed and stopped in surprise once he was inside Castiel's room. If he thought the guest room he was in was large then it was nothing compared to Castiel's grand room.

"Fuck…this place is huge." Dean said looking around the room. He couldn't see the walls for space taken up by canvases or bookshelves. Dean couldn't help but notice just how neat the room was. There wasn't a thing out of place apart from a lone coffee mug and stray book on Castiel's bedside table. "This is like the size of the house back in South Dakota. How do you not get lost?" Dean asked as he took in the room.

"With great difficulty." Castiel said as moved around his room picking out a pair of sneakers and a hooded sweater. "I'm guessing that you want to leave the house." Castiel pulled on his sweater. "I can't blame you at all, I could do with some time away."

"Then let's get outta here." Dean said with a grin. He felt lighter now that he knew he'd been leaving the house for just a few hours without having to be surrounded by Castiel's family or people who worked with him.

"Follow me, I'm guessing you'll probably enjoy this." Castiel said motioning for Dean to follow him. They left Castiel's room and Dean followed as Castiel navigated them down staircases until they came to a large set of double doors. Castiel gave him a smile before he threw open the doors.

"Holy shit." Dean gaped as they walked into what turned out to be a huge garage filled with cars and motorbikes. "Dude this is incredible." Dean gasped as his hand ran over the nearest car. "Is this...is this a 1967 Aston Martin?" He asked looking over at Castiel with awe.

"Yeah, it belonged to my grandfather."

"Holy shit." Dean said breathily. "I'm in heaven right now."

"I thought you'd like this." Castiel said smiling over at Dean. That smile was breath taking.

"Like it? Man this is awesome. Makes me miss my baby like crazy though." Dean said as he felt a pang of longing for his car.

"Your baby?" Castiel asked.

"My Chevy Impala, most beautiful thing you've ever seen." Dean said. "It was my dad's and I grew up in that car. He started to let me drive it when I was sixteen and it was the best day ever." Dean said as they slowly made their way through the cars.

"Come on then, there's somewhere I want to show you." Castiel said as he led Dean over to a sleek black car. Dean let out a low whistle.

"Buick Riviera? Nice man." Dean said as he ran his hand over the hood of the car.

"My father loved collecting classic cars. I thought you'd like to drive it."

"Me?" Dean asked raising his eyebrows. "You trust me to drive the car?" Castiel nodded. "You'll have to give me directions to where we're going though." Dean quipped as they slid into the car and Dean gently gripped the steering wheel. "So, where to?" he asked glancing over to Castiel.

"I'll give you directions and you can find out when we get there." Castiel said giving Dean a smile that lit up his whole face. Dean watched with fascination as Castiel pulled out his phone and used an app to open the garage door.

Dean let out yet another low whistle as the large garage doors slowly rose up. "Fuck man, that's like something out of some soap opera."

"No it's just pure laziness. You find that the more money someone has the less work they put into the everyday things." Castiel said as Dean started up the engine. The car purred into life and just being behind the wheel of a car again was soothing to Dean. It made him miss his baby that was back with Sam in South Dakota but he pushed that to the back of his mind, he was here in New York with Castiel and he had to remember that.

Dean pulled out of the garage and drove off the estate, all the while he slowly began to feel more free the further away from the estate he drove. The music on the radio was quiet and Castiel's voice as he gave directions was incredibly soothing. Dean slowly felt himself growing more comfortable in the car as they drove away from the estate. After about ten minutes Castiel sat in straighter in his seat with a smile on his face.

"It's just here, turn left." He said and Dean did just so. As he turned a small beach came into view, the waves gently lapping against the pale sand. Dean glanced over at Castiel and was surprised to see a relaxed smile on his face.

Once Dean had parked the car the two men climbed out and slowly walked across the pale sand. Castiel's smile became more brilliant as they grew closer to the sea. There was a shimmering under his skin, one that Dean hadn't seen before. Getting away from the mansion had definitely been a good idea.

Waves lapped against the sand as the two men continued to walk, slowly nearing the water's edge. They sank into the sand maybe a foot away from where the waves stopped and Dean once again marvelled over the smile that was lighting up Castiel's face.

"Jimmy and I used to come down here all the time when we were kids. We used to ride our bikes out from the estate and spend hours just sat on the beach reading or studying. Sometimes I'd bring my sketch book down and sketch the waves and stuff like that." Castiel explained. "We stole my father's car once." He said almost nonchalantly. Dean spluttered loudly.

"You stole his car?" He asked.

"Yeah, we were…God I think we were fifteen and annoyed about something, I can't for the life of me remember what it was now. We snuck into the garage and took one of his cars. We drove down here and spent the whole day sat on the beach. It was great." Castiel said still grinning. "Well until we got home. Both of us were grounded for a month and given very long lectures on responsibility and family image. It wasn't even about annoying our father, Jimmy and I just wanted a small sense of freedom and we got that by driving."

"I used to drive Sammy places when my dad left me his car. It wold be just the two of us and it was great." Dean said.

"Could you tell me about your family?" Castiel said as he leant back in the sand, his face angled up towards Dean's. Dean sighed and gently chewed on his lip.

"I don't really talk about them…it's…it's a sore subject."

"I think we're past sore subjects with one another Dean."

"Fine…shit…I was born in Lawrence, Kansas and lived there until I was four. My…my mom died you see. She was killed by a demon and it burnt our house down." Dean breathed in deeply as he remembered the smell of smoke. He glanced over to Castiel expecting him to look shocked at the mention of a demon but he just stared back and nodded, encouraging Dean on.

"I got Sammy out, he was only a baby at the time. After that we lived on the road, we grew up in motels and in the Impala. Sometimes we'd stay with our 'Uncle' Bobby in South Dakota but then Dad would come back and we'd be off again." Dean heard himself say. "When Sam reached high school age I made him stay with Bobby. I'd dropped out of school and was hunting with my dad full time. The night I met you…we were hunting the thing that killed your friend. We found it and it…I…"

"It attacked you?" Castiel guessed.

"It killed me. I was dead. I got given this option to come back and I took it. I had to. I couldn't leave Sammy or my dad and…and it helped me find the demon who killed my mom. I didn't want this but it was something I had to do." Dean said.

"And you've done it ever since?"

"Yeah, I try to spend time with Sammy but it's hard. He's living a normal life with his girlfriend Jessica. They're going to get married one day, I can just tell. He's going to have the normal life he should have had from the beginning. Smokin' hot wife, freakishly tall kids and a bunch of dogs. Probably golden retrievers. If you met my brother you'd understand."

"And you? What will you do?" Castiel asked.

"Do this until I don't have to anymore then try to make a life for myself. I'll probably end up hunting again, it's the only thing I've ever really done and the only thing I know what to do. It's in my blood. My mom was a hunter and so were her parents." Dean said smiling sadly as he remembered Mary. She had been dead for so long but he could still remember her golden hair and perfect smile that so many sad she'd passed on to Dean.

"Do you ever dream of doing something else?" Castiel asked.

"Do you?" Dean retorted.

"Dean, I know you think I've wasted my life-"

"No I just think you haven't been living it." Dean said bluntly. "Sorry but it's true. I think you could be so much more than this."

"Most people would say that I'm living." Castiel said. "Helicopter to work, a house I have got lost in on more than one occasion-"

"Fucking hell man that's not living. Damn, if I had your money I would do something crazy like bungee jump off a bridge, go on a yearlong road trip around Europe or some shit like that. I'd see the world." Dean said. "Sitting in a huge office while your assistant makes you coffee isn't living."

"You're a bit of a dick you know that? Did this shit storm of a situation make you like this or were you always an asshole?" Castiel asked.

"Oh I've definitely always been like this."

"Good, because I hate to think that I've turned you into a grumpy fucker." Castiel said and when he starting snickering Dean realised that the asshole was joking with him.

"Oh I'm the grumpy fucker?" Dean questioned. "So there's two guys sitting on a beach and I'm certainly not the grumpiest fucker out the two."

"Am I really sat on a beach talking to a…a 'reaper' about who is or isn't the grumpy fucker?" Castiel asked shaking his head. "My life is officially crazy."

"You go to work in a helicopter, your life is already crazy."

"Thanks Dean…thanks for that."

"You're welcome Cas." Dean said. "By the way…I think you should start painting again."

"What?"

"I saw your stuff, I kind of took a wrong turn and ended up in your studio with Jimmy…I asked him if it was ok for me to be in there before you freak out or anything. Your stuff…your stuff is really, really good. You should carry on with it." Dean said. Castiel stared at him for a long time, his face a mix of emotions Dan found impossible to read.

"Do you want to go back to the house?" Castiel asked. "Because if not then there's one stop I want to make."

"Go ahead" Dean said as he slowly pulled himself up off the sand. He held out his hand and helped Castiel back up and they both walked back to the car. Dean motioned for Castiel to get into the driver's seat, with Dean sliding into the passenger's seat. Castiel gave him a small and the two settled into a pleasant silence with nothing but the radio playing. After a few minutes they pulled into a graveyard just as dawn began to break.

"I haven't visited yet and I wanted to before...well it felt like the time to visit." Castiel said as they parked in the small lot. Dean wondered if he should wait in the car up Castiel motioned for Dean to follow him so he climbed out the car, locking the door behind him, and walked alongside Castiel through the cemetery. They walked in silence among the headstones until they came to a very new looking one, much more conservative and modest than Dean thought it would be.

Charles Emanuel Novak

1950 - 2014

Loving husband and father

Castiel stood in front of the headstone in silence for several minutes, all Dean could hear was the sound of the wind rustling through the trees. Even Castiel's soul was quiet.

"Do…do you want me to leave?" Dean asked hesitantly. He made to move away but this time it was Castiel that stopped him with a hand on his arm. Dean felt a lurch in his stomach which he tried to ignore.

"No, please stay." Castiel said before taking a deep breath. "Um…hello father." Castiel said towards the headstone, his voice breaking with nerves. "I'm sorry for not visiting...I was never sure what to say but...well I'm not sure you can even hear me but I wanted to be here before anything happened." He coughed, clearing his throat, and glanced over at Dean before looking back at his father's grave. "You'll be happy to hear the company is doing well...um...we all miss you but we're coping. Mom is busy planning the wedding. Jimmy is...well Jimmy is Jimmy and I'm..." Castiel stopped and Dean saw the hitch in his throat.

Without even thinking Dean moved so he could take Castiel's hand in his own, holding onto it tightly. Castiel looked at him with surprise but didn't pull his hand away. He took another deep breath before speaking again.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there." Castiel finally said. "I should have been there but I wasn't and I'll never forgive myself for that. Something has happened and I haven't been given much time so I guess that has forced me to think about my life. I'm sorry I ran to Boston and hardly came home. I needed freedom but I took it too far. I'm sorry it took me so long to come home and..." Another hitch and Dean tightened his grip on Castiel's hand. Colours were pulsating under his skin, dancing through the silver like beams of light.

"I'm sorry I've resented you my whole life. You only wanted the best for us and you wanted the company to be left in good hands. I can't keep hating you for thinking that the right person was me. I'm sorry and I wish I could have this to you before. I don't know if I'll be able to come back so...so...goodbye father." Castiel's voice was barely a whisper by the one he finished speaking. Dean's grip never loosened. They stood in silence for several minutes until Castiel turned to look at Dean, tears in his eyes. "I'm ready to go." He said. Dean nodded and went to let go of Castiel's hand but this time it was Castiel who tighten the grip.

They walked hand in hand back to the car as as the sun rose higher in the violently red sky.

"Are you ok?" Dean asked when they got back to the car.

"I wasn't there when he died" Castiel said. "I was away on business and by the time I got back it was too late. He'd died and I never got to say goodbye."

"I'm sorry Cas." Dean's hand was still holding onto Castiel's. "You really never wanted any of this."

"None of it but I've learnt not to wish for the things I want...a career, a life...people..." Castiel said trailing off, his eyes meeting Dean's. The bright blue eyes were swimming with tears and burning into Dean's own eyes. Dean found it impossible to look away.

Do it, please do it. Dean heard Castiel's soul begging desperately.

"You sure?" Dean asked. Castiel nodded his head.

Dean closed the small amount of space between them and his lips pressed against Castiel's. When was the last time he'd kissed someone? If had to have been years. Jo had kissed him after John's funeral but apart from that Dean had lived a nomadic life, sporadically being in the company of his brother or Bobby, Ellen and Jo.

"What was that for?" Castiel asked breathily, his chest rising and falling.

"Boston...I should have done that in Boston. I knew even back than what it's like to have a life you never asked for so...so that was for Boston." Dean explained, his lips still tingling the kiss. He hadn't realised how starved he'd been for human contact or simple comfort. "We should get back to the house...your family should be awake soon."

"Can you drive? Without it sounding weird I like watching you drive."

"Sure Cas, sure." Dean said with a smile.

*C*

Castiel could barely breathe as Dean drove them back towards the estate. Dean had kissed him, Dean had closed the space between them and kissed him. Castiel never thought it would happen but now…now it changed things. It changed their relationship and their current situation.

He wondered for a moment if it had ever happened before, if Dean had kissed someone he'd come to take but Castiel doubted it. Dean was so closed off, not letting people in, that Castiel couldn't imagine him doing so. No, Dean had kissed Castiel not because Castiel was going to die but because of that one evening of history they shared.

At least that was what he hoped for.

"Dean…" Castiel said nervously.

"Yeah?"

"You said that I wasn't living and if…if you can find a way to save me then I don't want to waste my life. I've thought about it and I'm going to give my brother control of the company." Castiel said and as the words left his mouth he felt lighter than he had in weeks. "I don't want Zachariah getting his hands on everything my family has built and really it should have been given to Jimmy, not me, after my father died. He should be in charge and I, well I should do whatever I want to do with my life." He glanced over to Dean and was shocked to see the other man smiling, really smiling.

"I've never seen your soul look so bright." He said by way of explanation. On hearing those words, Castiel had never felt so free.

Once back at the house Dean said he was going to take a walk by the shore which gave Castiel some free time. It was almost natural that he found himself heading towards the library. He hadn't stepped foot inside the room since Dean had arrived and given Castiel his news.

He selected a book from one of the shelves, it was an old favourite Castiel hadn't read for years. Soon he was lost in the words though his bran was still going over the kiss between him and Dean.

"Castiel can we have a word please?" Naomi asked from the doorway. Her presence made Castiel jump but he nodded anyways. She made her way into the library almost timidly and instantly Castiel felt on edge. His mother was everything but timid.

"Of course, what did you want to talk about?"

"We haven't spoken much in the last few months and…well with your father passing and you taking over as CEO, I feel as though we should have a talk." Naomi said. She sat down opposite Castiel, her legs cross at the ankles.

"What is this about mother?" Castiel asked because he sensed there were several things that Naomi wanted to say.

"Castiel, I know that taking over the company wasn't what you wanted in life and that you would have preferred to study art at college and for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that your father and I put so much pressure on you to follow in his footsteps, it wasn't the right thing for us to do."

"I'm…I'm not right for the job mother." Castiel said finally admitting to the truth he had tried to hide from. "I'm not the right man to lead the company and everyone knows it. I've tried so hard to be like father but I'm not him and I never could be. I think…I think that I should do something now before we lose the company."

"What do you mean Castiel?"

"I'm going to hand over the role as CEO to Jimmy, he wants it and he would be much more suited to the role. He's always been the family man and the one to stay close to home. I've never really wanted it." Castiel said.

"You're walking away from what you father wanted of you?" Naomi asked. "You can't honestly tell me that you're thinking of doing this. This is ridiculous Castiel! Jimmy wasn't prepared for this like you were."

"Jimmy wasn't forced into this like I was mother. I never wanted this, Jimmy did so I'm giving him what we both want."

"You don't want this anymore?"

"I never did." Castiel said rising from his chair.

"Where are you going?" Naomi asked. Castiel shrugged, pretending that he didn't know but in reality there was only one place in the entire Novak-Reeves mansion that he wanted to be in at that time.

*D*

Dean had been alone for not five minutes before he felt Tessa's manifestation.

"So, out of bright ideas?" Tessa asked as she leant again the railing. "I'm guessing that's why you're out here."

"Why are you here?" Dean snapped. It felt wrong for Tessa to be on the Novak-Reeves property, she didn't belong here and her presence just reminded Dean that maybe he didn't belong either.

"Time's run out Dean, today is your last day. Castiel is gone tomorrow." Tessa said still sounding far too nonchalant. Dean ground his teeth together as Tessa's eyebrows raised. "Run out of good ideas then? I told you, his soul is too tired and broken."

"It's not-"

"If it's not broken then you wouldn't be taking him tomorrow." Tessa said her words were like a punch to the gut. Dean winced at her words and the look on Tessa's face told him that she was enjoying this.

"You really get a kick out this don't you?"

"No I don't, I really don't Dean. I just don't think that you should walk around acting so high and mighty when you're just like the rest of us." Tessa snapped. "I gave you more time because you felt like you could make a different but you really can't can you? No, no you can't so don't you dare say that I enjoy this. You don't know anything about me." Without another word Tessa was gone and Dean was stood on the pier completely alone.

Dean made his way back towards the mansion. The house was quiet but that really wasn't much of a surprise, a place that huge hardly made a sound. Suddenly Dean felt a pang that reminded him of homesickness. All he wanted to do was be back home in South Dakota with Sam and Bobby. He wanted to see Ellen and Jo preparing for a hunt. He wanted to see Jess smile at Sam like he was the only man in the world.

Like a flash another image came to Dean's mind. He saw Castiel sat in Bobby's tiny kitchen. He was laughing at something Sam had said while Jo handed him a cup of coffee so strong it could wake the dead. Castiel said thank you before he turned towards the doorway where Dean was stood. Castiel's smile lit up the whole room and Dean saw the knowing look between Sam and Jess. The knowing look that, for Castiel, Dean was the only man in the universe that mattered.

He had to find Castiel.

Dean hurried through the house until he found himself in the kitchen. Jimmy was sat at the table with a large mug of coffee in front of him and a thick paperback in his hands.

"I have no idea why Amelia is obsessed with this book. The main character is a whimpering bitch." Jimmy muttered. He glanced up and gave Dean a smile. "Want a cup of coffee?"

"Nah, I'm good. Have you seen Cas anywhere?" Dean asked. He hadn't seen Castiel for the best part of the day and it was starting to make him feel nervous.

"He was in the library earlier on but I haven't heard from him since." Jimmy said. "You could try his room but I don't think he's there." He added.

"Don't worry…I think I know where he could be." Dean said leaving Jimmy to his paperback. With a nervous feeling in his stomach Dean slowly walked towards Castiel's studio in the least used part of the house.

"Cas?" Dean called out as he unhurriedly walked into the studio. He stopped in surprise when he saw a huge stretched canvas, at least six feet high, propped up against the farthermost wall. A riot of colour spread across the canvas, giving of a sense of rage that Dean could practically taste in the air. Dean was so focused on the sight of the canvas that he nearly missed Castiel sat on the only piece of furniture in the room, a long couch, with his head in his hands. His chest was rising and falling rapidly as if he'd been crying. "Cas?" Dean asked though this more apprehensively.

Castiel raised his head and instead of red rimmed eyes Dean saw nothing but steely determination. As Dean stepped closer he saw that the normally bright white light of Castiel's soul was cracked with red, almost like veins. Indignation surged like a frenzied river current under Castiel's paint splattered skin.

"I didn't think you came up here. Jimmy told me you never did any of this anymore." Dean said and Castiel actually scoffed. "What changed things?"

"My impending death is what changed things Dean." Castiel said pushing his body up off the couch and stretching out. His clothing, a soft looking grey t-shirt and loose jeans, were both splattered with paint just like Castiel's skin. "I just…I woke up this morning and I wanted to paint. I didn't care about going into the office or answering calls, emails and text messages…I just wanted to paint." Castiel explained as he moved towards the canvas. "I can't seem to think of anything to do so I can prove I deserve to live…I can't…I just can't anymore."

"So you're giving up?"

"Dean-"

"No Cas…I gave up six more months of having to do this so you could get more time! Six months Castiel!" Dean snapped. "I just…you had so much in you when we met that I thought I could do this but you've just given up and that's bullshit!"

"You don't know anything Dean-"

"I gave up six months-"

"I'm giving up my life!" Castiel yelled.

"This isn't a life! You're not living your damn life and you would just listen to me then maybe you could be saved but you won't!" Dean roared back. "Do something for yourself for once in your life Cas!"

"Oh yeah? I don't see you do that anytime soon Dean." Castiel said icily.

Surging forward Dean no longer cared about their situation. He didn't even care that technically they were fighting in the moment. He captured Castiel's lips in a crushing kiss as he remembered all those years ago when he'd reached out to the witty and blunt business major who had seen real grief. For one frightening moment Dean thought Castiel would push him away, disgusted by the mangled soulless mess Dean had become over the past ten years but instead his arms flew around Dean's neck. Biting kisses and scrambling hands flew across Dean's skin as Castiel pushed him against a near blank canvas.

It was a fight for control but soon Dean realised he didn't care who won, he just cared about being with Castiel and never letting go. He never wanted to let go.

It took a moment for him to realise that Castiel was pulling him away from the canvas and towards the nearby couch. Dean could stop, he could pull away before anything happened but God, he wanted this so damn much. He'd wanted this ever since that night in Boston really. The paint from Castiel's hands was smeared across Dean's arms as they sunk down onto the couch. Clothes were hastily pulled away between biting kisses and Dean watched with awe as the painted mixed with the smoke like souls that ghosted under their flesh.

"Dean you're beautiful" Castiel whispered between kisses.

"Cas-"

"No." Castiel said more firmly before kissing Dean furiously on the lips. "Before you say it, the darkness that you think pollutes your soul only makes the radiance, the goodness, in you shine brighter.  
You are a good man for whom terrible things have happened to." Castiel said, his hands grasping onto Dean's skin. "You are not a monster."

No one had ever said these things, no one had ever looked at Dean like this before and he couldn't wrap his head around it. Every kiss and touch made him feel so alive, more alive than he had felt in years and he could barely breathe.

They were skin to skin, the heat almost burning and threatening to engulf Dean in all entirety. Castiel bit down on Dean's lower lip causing the man to gasp loudly, the sound echoing around the studio. Castiel's hand gripped onto Dean's skin, fingers digging into muscle changing Dean's gasp to a deep groan of pleasure.

"Tell me if I hurt you." Dean whispered. Castiel snorted and crushed his lips against Dean in a hot, wet kiss full of desire.

"You can't hurt me Dean, I'm nearly dead after all." Castiel whispered back.

"Don't, don't say that." Dean growled as he gently pressed against Castiel's entrance. "Don't say it please." Dean pleaded because he couldn't think about that, he couldn't think about how he'd failed Castiel. All he could do was love him in the most simple and human way possible.

"Then do everything you can to make me forget." Castiel whispered into Dean's ear, his breath sending waves through Dean's body. With a loud gasp Dean's hand roamed over Castiel's chest, along his waist and down to his hip bones. Those hips bucked up making Dean chuckle ever so as he steadied them before his hands drifted down along Cas' strong, muscular thighs. His course fingers dug into the thick muscle causing Castiel to groan loudly and crash his lips against Dean's.

"You're amazing Cas…" Dean said between frantic, biting kisses. Colours danced across Cas' skin like a watercolour painting. Dean couldn't believe that this man, this beautiful man, was really with him. He was a stunning work of art with his flushed chest and plush lips redden from Dean's biting kisses.

With a gentleness that Dean didn't know he possessed he worked at Castiel's muscles until Cas was nothing but a quivering work of art in Dean's arms. For the first time in ten years Dean felt alive. He felt blessed.

"Please Dean, please." Castiel whispered into Dean's ear before he gently nipped it. A low growl rumbled in Dean's chest and Castiel chuckled into the man's ear then nipped it once again. Lacing his fingers through Castiel's and gripping on his hands tightly Dean pushed, finally bottoming out with a guttural noise at the back of his throat. Castiel captured his lips as Dean began to work a rhythm that quickly became more and more frantic. He wanted this to last; damn he never wanted this to end but after so much build up and ten years of memories of bright blue eyes, Dean could barely hold on anymore.

"Dean I'm close." Castiel said. That all but did it. Taking Castiel in his hand Dean matched the frantic rhythm until both of them were falling over the edge.

"I'm handing the company over to Jimmy." Castiel said sleepily as Dean rested his head against Castiel's warm chest. "Zachariah can never be given control and if I hand over the reins to my brother I'll know the company is in safe hands. He wants it more than I do."

"Hannah would be happy with that, I could never see her working for Zachariah." Dean replied.

"I'll worry about them, I'll worry about them all but…but I know my mother will be able to cope and Jimmy will be the right man to run the family." Castiel gently ran his hands over Dean's skin making goose bumps appear despite the warmth of the room. "Dean…does it…what's it like?" he asked. Dean stopped and his blood ran cold.

Whenever anymore asked him what it was like, what it was like to die, he always reassured them that it was simply like falling asleep but those people were always strangers, people who hadn't changed Dean's life in the ways Castiel had. Dean couldn't lie to him.

"Folks say it's like falling asleep but it's not. It's like every part of you is being suffocated. You can't breathe, you can't scream or see and you can't do shit all to stop it. You just have to accept the darkness that overcomes you." Dean said hating the words he was saying but Castiel deserved to know.

"Should I be scared?" Castiel asked.

"If you were alone I'd say yes but you won't be, I'll with you to guide you…I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I thought I'd be able to find a way to save you but I really failed and I'm sorry."

"Dean you did everything you could and if you hadn't of tried to find a way to save I wouldn't have found you like this, this wouldn't have happened." Castiel said moving ever so slightly so he could look up to Dean. "I was just beyond saving."

"Cas-"

"No, no more apologies Dean. Just sleep, I like the idea of my last night's sleep being with you."

Castiel fell asleep first, his arm draped across Dean's bare chest as they curled up together on the large couch. A thin cotton sheet was draped over them but the studio was incredibly warm anyway. Dean could have happily laid there forever with his body pressed against Castiel's. He couldn't though, come tomorrow and he would have to take Castiel and ruin the lives of a family he'd grown to care for.

Dean awoke up alone. He had expected Castiel to wake up but he thought Castiel would wake him so he was surprised to see the studio empty apart from him. With a sigh Dean got dressed and went to leave the studio in order to find Castiel until he saw a note with his name written on it. A sketch accompanied the note, clearly done by Castiel's own hand judging from the familiar line art.

His breath hitched in his throat as he looked down at the sketch. It was of Dean asleep with his head resting against the couch cushions, Castiel must have woken up very early in order to sketch this. It was perfect, beautiful even and Dean had never seen his own face captured in such a way before.

On the back of the sketch Castiel had written a quote Dean wasn't sure he recognised but it had been written in flawless handwriting that belonged to Castiel.

"I don't suppose I really know you very well – but I know you smell like the delicious damp grass that grows near old walls and that your hands are beautiful opening out of your sleeves and that the back of your head is a mossy sheltered cave when there is trouble in the wind and that my cheek just fits the depression in your shoulder."

Dean could barely contain the smile that spread across his face as he took in the quote and moved on to read Castiel's note.

Dean

Please do not think I've have left you alone because I regret last night. I don't regret it at all, in fact it's one of the very few things in life I don't regret. I never thought that it would happen between us, even if I had hoped so never think that I regretted it in any way, shape or form.

I had to leave early and go into the city to the office. There are certain things I have to discuss with the board in light of my impending fate such as Jimmy taking over as CEO and protecting the company from the likes of Zachariah and other board members. I will return soon.

I give you all my love as it is everything I ever wanted to give you, it is all I have to give.

Cas

Dean stared down at his skin, his heart racing as he realised what he was seeing. Before he would have seen the deep black curling under his skin like smoke, his soul so darkened by his life that he could barely stand to look at it. Now instead of pitch black smoke there was the slightest of grey rippling under his skin like paint stained water. As he continued to stare the grey seemed to ripple with the palest of blue.

He had to talk to Tessa. He had to talk to Tessa now.

Dean hurried out of the studio and through the hallways of the Novak-Reeves mansion until he came out near the large kitchen and dining room. From the doorway of the kitchen Dean spotted Amelia sat at the table, her blonde hair pulled messily from her face as she sipped a cup of tea, a book in front of her face.

As if she realised that someone was stood there in the doorway Amelia looked up but still jumped until she realised it was Dean and sighed loudly.

"Oh Dean it's you!" Amelia said as she clutched at her chest dramatically. "I hate being in the house by myself, it's too big and my brain always goes overboard. Cas isn't here, he's gone into the city for a few hours."

"I know, he left me a note." Dean said, a smile spreading across his face as he remembered the letter Castiel left for him.

"Did he now?" Amelia asked cocking an eyebrow mischievously. Dean could feel the tips of his ears reddening even though he tried to fight it.

"No work today?" Dean asked. He knew Amelia worked hard at the hospital so for her to be in the mansion was a surprise.

"No, I've been on all day shifts for the past few days so I've got a day off. It makes a nice change to actually be able to sit and read a book for once. I've been trying to read this for four months now." Amelia said waving her book for Dean to see. It was the same book Jimmy had been reading before.

"That must suck." Dean commented as Amelia returned to her tea and book.

"You get used to it." Amelia said with a shrug. "Are you going to wait for Castiel?"

"I have to go out for a while, talk to my brother and stuff." Dean elaborated. "I won't be long."

"Well Jimmy, Naomi and Castiel should be back later on then we can grab dinner." Amelia said.

"If Cas comes back then tell him I went for a walk." Dean said. Amelia gave him a knowing look but until he spoke to Tessa Dean wasn't sure if there was anything to smile about.

He was only out on the pier for a few minutes before he felt Tessa's familiar presence. She leant against the pier and looked Dean up and down. Her eyebrows were raised and from the pissed look on her face Dean had interrupted something.

"It wasn't the change in Castiel's soul that I had to prove, it was the change in mine." Dean said before Tessa could say anything.

"Excuse me?" Tessa asked looking over Dean's body with raised eyebrows. She had to see the change, the lightness of his soul that was no longer pressing against his skin like a heavy weight. "Dean what happened? What did you do?" she asked with narrowed eyes.

"I knew him. Castiel. I knew him before this. I met him that day, the day that you came for me. We met and I spent a long time afterwards thinking of him. These past three days I've grown to…Tessa I've grown to love him." Dean admitted, the words spilling out of him in his quest to save Castiel. "You wanted proof that Castiel's soul was strong, could the soul of a weak man change me in this way?" Dean asked concentrating so his soul rippled against his skin, the lightness brighter than ever before. "It was never about his soul changing, it was about mine."

"Dean…"

"You wanted proof and here it is. His soul is strong. It is not his time."

"It's not his time?" Tessa asked, her eyes still narrowed.

"Cas doesn't want to die and he's proved that. His soul isn't weak and…fuck it Tessa, I'm in love with him." Dean said and God, did he mean it. It was insane but he had fallen in love with Castiel.

"So you proved that he wants to live and you proved that his soul was strong? Now what? What do you expect to accomplish from this? What are you going to get?"

"What do you mean?" Dean asked, his stomach sinking.

"You can't be with Castiel when you're still like this." Tessa said bluntly.

"What the hell do you mean?" Dean snapped as his pulse began to quicken. This couldn't be happening…it couldn't.

"You can love him, he can love you even but you can't be together." Tessa said slowly and incredibly patronisingly. "We have to sacrifice things for this and that is one of the things we have to sacrifice. We are not meant to love."

"After everything that I've been through I have to give him up?" Dean asked. He could feel the rippling under his skin and slow red began to flow among the pale blue. Tessa looked at his skin and shook her head.

"While you're like this you can't be with him. You can't be with him when you can see the colours dance under his skin or your own. You can't be with him when you hear everything his soul is creaming. You have to walk away Dean, you have to." Tessa said.

Surprisingly her face softened as she looked over Dean. Tenderly she reached out and placed a hand on Dean's arm. Dean tried to move it away but Tessa clung on. "I'm sorry Dean, I know it sounds like I'm not but I am. You did what you wanted to do and if things were different-"

"But they're not different so I can't be who I want to be or with, that's what you're saying isn't it?" Dean pressed.

"Yes Dean, that's what I'm saying." Tessa said removing her hand away from Dean's. "Where is he?"

"Castiel?" Dean asked. "He's at his office in the city talking to the board. He doesn't want any of the responsibilities that his father placed on him. He's handing the company over to his brother Jimmy, it's what they both want really." Dean explained. Tessa frowned, her face crumpling and reality dawned on Dean. "I can't say goodbye to him can I?"

"No. It's over and once it's over you have to leave. Those are the rules Dean and you can't just go breaking them even more than you already have." Tessa said. "Don't try and think your way out of this either, there is no way around it. We are not meant to be loved Dean."

"This is fucking bullshit." Dean snapped. For the first time ever Dean saw actual concern on Tessa's face. There was so much pity etched onto her skin that it made Dean feel sick.

"Dean…I am sorry. I know you don't believe me but I am."

"I don't want your pity! I want to say goodbye to the man I've fallen in love with! I want to just be with him and not give a shit about anything else. I want the next six months of my life to be my own!"

"Well you can't! Why can't you get it through your thick skull? Just walk away before you hurt him, before you hurt yourself."

"Just go Tessa, just go."

"I can't leave unless you come with me."

"I will…I will. I just…I just need a moment."

"If you're not back in South Dakota by this evening then I will be back." Tessa said before leaving Dean stood alone on the pier.

Fuck, Dean was so screwed.

*C*

"Castiel?" Hannah called, sticking her head round the door of Castiel's office. Castiel looked up from his desk, forgetting momentarily where he was. "Jimmy's here to see you." Hannah added. "You want me to grab you two coffee or anything?"

"No thank you Hannah, we'll be fine." Castiel said.

"Ok, just call if you need me for anything." Hannah said.

"Why did you want to talk to me Cas?" Jimmy asked as he stepped into the office. Castiel watched as his twin brother took in the room, he could see the confusion written all over Jimmy's face and even a tinge fear.

"I've been thinking a lot recently, a lot, and this is something that probably should have happened a long time ago." Castiel said. He looked over his desk until he found the paper he was looking for. All the while he could see Jimmy growing more and more nervous. "There's nothing to be scared about Jimmy, I mean it." Castiel added while he handed the paper over. Jimmy's eyes scanned over the page until he looked up with eyes full of shock.

"Is this what I think it is?" Jimmy asked.

"Yes, it's all there. You just need to sign it."

"You're handing the company over to me?" Jimmy said as he looked over the contract Castiel had drawn up. "You're making me the CEO? Why?"

"Because I don't want it anymore. I never really wanted it and never really cared for it. You wanted this though. You always understood the things Dad was talking about while I was more concerned with y art or when I could leave New York or this damn house. You're the right person for the job, not me."

"So you're just handing it over to me? What will you do?" Jimmy asked, Castiel simply shrugged his shoulders. "You're not even concerned about what people will think? What has mom said?"

"Look, I'm tired Jimmy." Castiel explained. "I'm nearly thirty and I can't remember the last time I slept through the night or was truly, giddily happy. I just want some time and some freedom."

"I can't believe I'm hearing this, I really can't." Jimmy said, shaking his head at his twin. "You've worked so hard when it comes to the company and fulfilling what dad wanted of you and now you're just handing it over to me…just like that?" Jimmy shook his head, clearly unable to understand Castiel's intentions.

"I've already filed this with my attorney and there are copies of this document back at the office. It's official Jimmy, as of this moment I've stepped down as CEO." Castiel shrugged his shoulders, unable to think of anything else to do to show his feelings.

"What if I don't want this Castiel?" Jimmy asked. "What will you do then?"

"But you do want it, you've wanted it ever since we were kids. You were the one with the head for business and an interest in the company while I was more at home in a studio with my art."

"Why now Castiel? What's happened?"

"I…so many things have happened in such a short space of time." Castiel admitted unable to look at his brother for a moment longer. He could feel Jimmy's eyes boring into him but Castiel couldn't look back, he knew if he did he would tell his brother everything.

"Come on Cas, please just be honest with me." Jimmy implored. "Just tell me what is going on with you."

"I…it's…it's not something you can really explain."

"It has to have something to do with Dean, he turns up after so many years and suddenly it's like you've changed overnight. I mean, I saw you smiling and you never smile."

"I do smile." Castiel said. Jimmy gave him a look and Castiel had to admit he couldn't really remember a time before recently when he did smile. "Ok…maybe you're right."

"You're still not going to tell me are you?" Jimmy asked sighing with exasperation and Castiel shook his head. He knew he was infuriating his twin but he couldn't do anything to stop it. "You really mean this though, you're really going to hand the company over to me?"

"It's what our father should have done in the first place Jimmy, it's the right thing to and it will make everyone happy."

"Will it make you happy? That's the main question here Cas, will you be happy?" Jimmy asked. Castiel stopped and really thought, he was slowly severing all the ties that bound him to the earth and resolving hidden feelings. Without that he would be free, free to leave with the knowledge that his family would be able to cope without him.

"I think…I think it would make me very happy." Castiel said smiling over at his twin.

"Then I accept." Jimmy said. Without warning he pulled Castiel into a tender hug that last a long time. "Thank you for this Cas, you'll never know how thankful I am."

"I could probably guess." Castiel said. He gave himself this luxury of hugging his brother. He knew it would most likely be the last time he ever hugged him.

Later that evening, once Castiel and Jimmy were back home, Naomi announced that they were going to have a family meal. True they ate dinner together most evenings. Whenever Naomi announced that they were having a family meal it was a bit different. It mainly required everyone to dress in a suit, or in Amelia's case a fancy dress, and sit uncomfortably for an hour.

"Are you nearly ready Castiel?" Naomi asked from the doorway of Castiel's bedroom.

"This isn't going to be another excruciating family meal is it?" Castiel asked warily. Naomi rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh.

"No Castiel it's not, this is just going to be a small family dinner but please dress smartly." Naomi said giving her son a long suffering look. "I don't fully agree with your plan to hand control over to your brother but your father always said your judgement was solid. I guess this is something I will just have to get used to."

"Thank you for being so accepting mother and…" Castiel coughed as he felt a lump rise in his throat. "And thank you for everything."

"What has gotten into you recently?" Naomi asked looking closely at Castiel. "You're normally pricklier than this."

"I'm not prickly."

"Castiel dear, I love you but you are a prickly person." Naomi said. "Now what has gotten into you?"

"Nothing mother, nothing at all. I just wanted you to know how grateful I was for everything." Castiel said.

"I'll never really understand you Castiel, Jimmy is so straight forward but you…you really are something else entirely but I love you."

"I love you too mother."

"Now go and get dressed, dinner will be ready soon. I've had the chef pull out all the stops." Naomi said giving Castiel a rare smile.

"I can't wait." Castiel said and he meant it, he couldn't think of a better way to spend his last night than with the people he loved.

He quickly dressed in one of the more immaculately cut suits he knew his mother preferred. Normally Castiel would have worn something much simpler but he had to admit that Naomi was right. The suit did fit him better, the elegant cut hugging his figure in a way his other suits did not. As he looked at his reflection in the mirror Castiel was hit with so many conflicting feelings.

This was it.

He was scared, he was completely blind as to what was going to happen but he knew that he wouldn't be alone. His family would be ok, the company his family worked so hard to build would be in safe hands. Yes, he was scared but he wouldn't be alone and that was all he cared about.

He no longer wanted to be alone.

Calmly he made his way downstairs. Jimmy and Amelia were already in the dining room with Naomi. His mother still looked shocked over the news that Jimmy would become CEO instead of Castiel but, from the very full wine glass clutched in her hand, she seemed to be getting over it. The only person Castiel couldn't see was Dean.

A sinking feeling settled in Castiel's stomach as he looked around the room. Amelia caught his eye and Castiel watched as her face broke out into a huge smile. Jimmy must have told her about the news. Castiel slowly made his way over and wasn't surprised when Amelia pulled him into a hug.

"Thank you." She whispered into Castiel's ear. Amelia had always known that Jimmy would have been the best person for the job.

"It's ok. We always knew he would the best person for the job, even if my mother doesn't want to admit it." Castiel said. "You…you haven't seen Dean anywhere have you?"

"Not for a while, funny enough he was looking for you earlier on. I haven't seen him since then though." Amelia said giving Castiel a knowing look. Before the look would have irritated Castiel but now he really didn't care.

Amelia placed a hand on his arm and nodded over towards the main entrance to the dining hall. Castiel made his way over to the other man without even a second thought.

"Dean." Castiel said breathily as his eyes fell onto Dean. "I've done it. I've given control over to Jimmy and my mother was accepting of it, she given agreed that it was for the best. Everything will be alright…it will be painful but I can't think they'll grow to understand."

"Cas-"

"No, I know you're going to say that you're sorry that you couldn't save me but you did in a way. You gave me the chance to right the wrongs in my life and I'll forever be thankful for that. I…I guess I'm ready." He was as well. He thought he would be scared but Dean would be with him, Dean would make sure he wasn't alone in this and that's what Castiel wanted. He wanted Dean by his side until the end.

Dean pulled Castiel into a chaste kiss, so very different from the passion filled ones they shared back in the studio but Castiel could still feel every emotion Dean had inside of him. Castiel's tongue pressed against Dean's lips but instead of letting him in Dean pushed away. His hand resting ever so against Castiel's chest. A sigh that sounded closer to a sob escaped Dean's lips. That made Castiel nervous as he couldn't think as to why Dean would sob. Even though he hated it Castiel pulled away so he could look Castiel in the eyes.

"What's wrong Dean?" Castiel asked, his bright eyes narrowed as he took in Dean's face.

"You're not going anywhere." Dean said quickly and Castiel's stomach jolted almost violently as Dean's words sunk in. "I did it, I did what I set out to do."

"You mean…I can…I can stay?" Castiel asked. Dean nodded and Castiel's face broke out with a smile so wide it almost hurt. Castiel surged forward and pulled Dean into a kiss that was anything but chaste. "This is incredible Dean." Castiel said between the kisses. Dean tried to pull away and Castiel couldn't understand what was happening. "Dean? What's wrong?" Castiel asked searching Dean's face for the truth. "Dean?"

"I shouldn't even be here but I had to tell you that this whole thing was over." Dean said, his face looking completely crestfallen. None of this made sense, Dean should have been joyous over Castiel being able to stay.

"And by 'this' you mean…what exactly?" Castiel pressed, the sinking feeling in his stomach was making Castiel feel violently sick. Dean's face was a battle of sadness and conflict. "Dean what is going on?"

"Goodbye Castiel." Dean said swallowing loudly but Castiel could still hear something akin to a sob.

"Dean? Dean what do you mean 'goodbye'?" He asked. "Where are you going? You can't go."

"I have several more months of this life and while I'm like this I can't be with you." No, this couldn't be happening. This could not be happening.

"So…so what? You're leaving?" Castiel asked.

"I have to Cas and I'm so sorry." Dean said moving out of Castiel's reach. "I…I wanted you to know that I feel the same way…in your letter…I feel the same. I needed you to know that." Dean stammered out.

"You can't just say things like that then walk away Dean!" Castiel said. He'd never given anyone his love or heart in the way he'd done with Dean and he couldn't believe this was actually happening. His breathing grew shallow as Dean's words sunk in. "I can't believe this is happening." He spat out.

He'd opened himself up to Dean and let the man see so many parts of him that he'd hidden from the world. Dean had seen him at his most fragile and Castiel had grown to care for the other man. In the space of just a few days he'd grown to love Dean. Maybe that attraction had been there ever since the night in Boston but now…now Castiel had been willing to give his heart completely to Dean.

That meant nothing if he could not be with Dean.

"I can't believe this is happening." He whispered as his voice threatened to break. He could not cry though, he could show weakness when his soul had just been confirmed as strong enough to live.

"Cas I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you but I can't be here right now…I can't be with you when I'm like this." Dean whispered in the same broken voice as Castiel. He coughed, as if trying to find some resolution. "Cas I don't want to leave, I don't but I can't be here." Dean said. With a frustrated growl Castiel moved closer causing Dean to hop back. "Cas I'm sorry but I can't. If this was eight months down the line I would stay and never leave but when I'm like this I can't stay."

"Then…then go…go." Castiel said even though that was the last thing he wanted. He was being given his freedom, freedom with his life and with his career. He wanted to be with Dean when celebrating that freedom.

"Cas…Cas I'll be back." Dean implored, his voice sounding so fractured it was painful to hear. Castiel really wasn't sure if he could carry on listening to this. He wasn't sure if he could go through watching Dean leave and not know if he was really coming back.

"I want to believe you Dean, I really do-"

"Then believe me." Dean said. He finally closed the space between him and Castiel by crashing his lips to Castiel's. Castiel sunk into the kiss and gave it everything he had left in him. He poured all the feelings he had bottled up inside of him and gave Dean everything he had. "Believe me Cas." Dean whispered into his lips. "I promise that I'll be back."

Castiel watched Dean walk down the hallway, never taking his eyes away from Dean's slowly retreating figure. There were so many emotions crashing through his body, he felt like the lake outside that crashed against the rocks during summer storms. Every cell inside of him wanted to race after Dean and beg him to stay but that wasn't even a remote possibility. Dean had been given a job and he had to do that job regardless of the cost. Castiel caught one last fleeting look of Dean before he disappeared.

"Was that Dean I saw leaving?" Amelia asked as she came up to Castiel's side. "Is everything alright?" she asked when she saw the redness of Castiel's eyes.

"He's having to travel back home, something to do with his brother but he'll be back." Castiel fabricated. Amelia looked saddened by the news, she had grown fond of Dean in just a few short days.

"That's a shame, it seemed like the two of you got along really well." Amelia remarked. She handed Castiel a large glass of red wine with a small smile on her lips. "You'll be glad when he's back though."

"Yes…" Castiel lamented between sips of wine. "Yes I really will."

 _"I don't suppose I really know you very well / my cheek just fits the depression in your shoulder."_


	5. Epilogue: Six Months Gone By

_No I don't know why seasons change_  
 _How we get back to the start_

 **Stealing Cars / James Bay**

The grounds of the Novak-Reeves estate were full of people, both party guests and waiting staff flitting around with trays weighed down with drinks or expensive canapés. Each party guest was dressed more elegantly than the last. The men were all in suits that cost the same as small cars while the woman had gone all out in designer dresses so grand and intricate while the jewels that adorned their necks, ears, finger and wrists glittered whenever the party lights hit them.

Castiel Novak-Reeves wasn't sure what the party was for. He was sure that his mother or Amelia had told at least fifteen times but Castiel had his excuses. He had been incredibly busy. His other excuse was that he found it easier to just smile and nod whenever Amelia or Naomi spoke. It was scary how much his future sister in law was turning into his mother.

Stood off to the side where it was less crowded was Castiel, a glass of whatever champagne his mother had picked out for the party was in his hand but he wasn't drinking it. Castiel felt as though he could have easily slipped away from the party and not have anyone worry where he was.

That part of his life, the part when people knew where he was at every hour of the day, was over now and he had his whole life ahead of him. It was a shame that he just didn't feel like living it anymore.

Oh the irony. After all he had gone through with Dean to prove he deserved to live he now wished it was the exact opposite. Dean had opened his eyes to what Castiel wanted in life but without Dean to be there it just didn't feel right.

Castiel looked out across the crowded room and thought, with a weary smile on his face, how so much has happened during the last eight months and yet at the same nothing had changed at all.

He was painting again. The studio that had been growing dusty was now full of completed canvases, several ready to be sold, and new projects Castiel was itching to finish. His reduced responsibilities at the company meant he had more time to paint and Hannah actually got to go on a vacation. Castiel had given her the month off and a plane ticket to go and see her parents back in Seattle. It had rained the entire time she was there but she had been happy to see her parents again.

Several people stopped him and made light conversation, many commenting on Jimmy and Amelia's upcoming wedding or the show Castiel would be presenting in a small gallery in Soho. It was a tiny gallery but the owner, a woman who went by the name of Anna Milton, had seen some of Castiel's work and commissioned a show. It would be showing in a few weeks and Castiel had admit the nerves were starting to finely set in. He was lucky to have the support of his family and Hannah.

"Excuse me?" A light hand on his shoulder pulled Castiel out his current conversation. "Sorry to interrupt but aren't you Cas Reeves?" Castiel spun round, his heart hammering as he prayed that he wasn't hearing things. Sure enough stood in front him as the very man he said goodbye to all those months before. His green eyes were the same bright, hypnotic hue but instead of the stony, grim look his face was alight was a wide grin. Castiel could hardly contain the joy that was coursing through his veins as he took in the sight of Dean.

"It's you...Dean...it is you isn't it?" He asked. Dean nodded with a chuckle. "Excuse us a moment." Castiel said towards the people he had forgotten that he'd even been talking to.

Without giving it another thought he took Dean's wrist, hurried across the ballroom and outside onto the terrace before crashing his lips to Dean's. He'd been dreaming about this for six months and finally Dean was here.

"You came back." Castiel said between kisses.

"I promised you that I would." Dean said. His eyes fluttered when Castiel's hand lightly traced his cheek. "I would have been here sooner-"

"You came back, that's all that matters. You came back." Castiel's heart was frantically hammering against his chest and he was quite sure it was going to give out any second. He was sure he was about to have a heart attack. "Is...is it all over?" Castiel asked cautiously. The last thing he wanted was for Dean to come back into his life only to have him ripped away again.

"Yeah...a week ago. I've been with my family in South Dakota. My brother finally got married got his girlfriend Jess and I think slept for about four days straight." Dean said. "It's weird...I got so used to how they all looked...I got so used to how you looked and how it's changed. It's quiet as well, real quiet." Dean added. "It's weird to see you without all the colour…"

"So I suppose this means you are an entirely new Dean Winchester." Castiel said.

"I guess so." Dean said, his face falling.

"I didn't mean that in a bad way Dean, I became enamoured with man I met ten years ago and I was lucky enough to meet him again eight months ago. I was lucky enough to fall in love with him." Castiel said cupping Dean's face to bring his back to Castiel's own.

"We're different people to who were eight months ago though Cas..."

"Well then let me introduce myself. I'm Cas Reeves, budding artist with his own show in Chelsea in a few weeks." Castiel said holding out his hand for Dean to shake. Instead Dean took Castiel's hand in his own and held on tightly.

"Dean Winchester, high school dropout. About ten years ago I met this great guy in a coffee shop over in Boston. The craziest thing happened and I think I fell in love with him. Now I want find out everything I possible can about him."

"I suppose we have time." Castiel said, completely unable to mask the bright smile spreading across his face.

"For the first time in my life Cas, I have all the time in world." Dean said pulling Castiel close to him and kissing him lightly on the lips.

 _Sirens and smoke remind us / Maybe the world won't find us / Tonight these streets are ours to roam_


End file.
